Monday, December 14, 2009

Whoever green-lit 'Deck the Halls' should be decked

Deck the Halls (2006)
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristen Davis, and Kristen Chenoweth
Director: John Whitesell
Rating: One of Ten Stars

"Deck the Halls" revolves around a pair of fathers feuding over who's going to have the best Christmas decorations in town... and the supposed hilariaty that ensues when the feud gets out of hand. I say "supposed" because this film is over-long, unfunny--even the slapstick is more groan-inducing than chuckle-inspiring--and populated by characters that are so badly written that, struggle as they may, the actors simply can't imbue them with life, let along the Christmas Spirit.


Oh... and you can add to the fact that most of what happes in the movie feels like it was cribbed from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." So, if you want to see a whacky, somewhat uncouth Christmas comedy, why not stick with the film "Deck the Halls" was copied from?

(All that said, it's been pointed out to me that the movie did redeem itself ever-so-slightly at the end. But, as nice an ending as it is, with a little bit of good cheer creeping in, it is far too little to make up for the rest of the film.)

If anyone starts a class-action suit so the poor souls who saw this film on its opening day, please keep me in the loop. I want my money back AND something for my pain and suffering. Meanwhile, though, you out there who are reading this should take my warning and NOT see this movie. (Although recommending it to relatives you'd rather not have to spend the Holidays with would be a sure-fire way to get out of it. It'll be Guy Faulkes Day (or later) before they'll be wiling to speak to you again.)

Underrated holiday film

Jingle All the Way
Starring: Arnold Schwartzenegger, Phil Hartman, Sindbad, Rita Wilson, Robert Conrad, Jake Lloyd, and Jim Belushi
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Howard (Schwartzenegger) feels guilty for having neglected his son, Jamie(Lloyd), in favor of work. In an attempt to make it up to him, he vows to get any gift Jamie wants for Christmas... and Jamie asks for a Turbo Man action figure. On Christmas Eve, Howard goes in search of the toy, only to discover that it's the hottest gift of the season, and EVERY parent in town seems to be looking for one, and no stores have any in stock. What follows is a quest that makes Frodo's trip to Mordor look like a walk on the beach.


As a film mocking the obsession we have in American with making up for our shortcomings in our relationships by going overboard on gift-giving during Christmas, this film succeeds admirably. It also serves as a nice bit of commentary on the rampant commercialism during the Christmas season.

It's a little less successful as a comedy. I love the way the movie keeps escalating and the way the situaitons Howard finds himself in trying to get a Turbo Man doll get more and more absurd, but I find virtually every character in the film more annoying than amusing. The exception is Wilson, who is funny and sympathetic as Howard's wife who has to fend off advances from her sleazy neighbor (Hartman) while Howard searches to the toy.

The film's lead, Schwartzenegger, is passable in the part of the ever-increasingly crazed Howard, but he did a far better job in "Kindergarten Cop" and even "Twins" than he does here.

Still, the film offers some nice chuckles. It may not be the best of Christmas movies, but it's passable. (Oh, and make sure sure you watch all the way to the end of the final credits. There's a bit more of the film after them.)



Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Man-Baby is Back!

Seems like lawyers are still ripping off a Man-Baby whose sensitive soul has been wounded by the existence of "Tintin in The Congo." Here's the latest on a world-class dimwit from the Telegraph.


Tintin 'to be sued' for Congo book

By Henry Samuel in Paris
Published: 10:01PM BST 01 Sep 2009

A Congolese accountant is to launch a lawsuit in France against Tintin for racism, accusing judges in the cartoon hero's native Belgium of trying to bury his case to protect a "national symbol".

Bienvenu Mbutu Mondondo, 41, is taking legal action claiming Hergé's controversial Tintin In The Congo is propaganda for colonialism and amounts to "racism and xenophobia".

"Tintin's little (black) helper is seen as stupid and without qualities. It makes people think that blacks have not evolved," he said.

Mr. Mbutu Mondondo launched a case in Belgium two years ago for symbolic damages of one euro from Tintin's Belgian publishers Moulinsart, and demanded the book be withdrawn from the market.

But since then his lawyer, Claude Ndjakanyi, said there had been no response from Belgian justice. "Our request to access the dossier was judged premature even though the investigation has been running for two years," he said.

Mr Ndjakanyi claimed the silence was politically motivated: "It's the symbol of Belgium that is under attack." The lawyer said he would launch parallel proceedings in France and go "all the way to the European Court of Human Rights if necessary".

In 2007, British race watchdogs pulled the book from children's shelves and attacked the Tintin cartoons for making black Africans "look like monkeys and talk like imbeciles".

Two weeks ago the work was removed from the shelves of Brooklyn's municipal library following a complaint from a reader that it "had illustrations that were racially offensive and inappropriate for children".

Tintin and his dog Snowy are a rare unifying symbol in Belgium – a divided nation where postcolonial guilt over Belgian's record in the Congo still runs high.

The Congo remained a Belgian colony until 1960 and between 1885 and 1908 millions of Congolese are thought to have died under the brutal rule of Belgium's King Leopold II.

Georges Remi, the Tintin cartoonist who worked under the Hergé pen-name, reworked the book in 1946 to remove references to Congo as Belgian colony.

But it still contained images such as a black woman bowing to Tintin and saying: "White man very great White mister is big juju man!" Moulinsart, Tintin's publishers, argued that the whole row was "silly" and that book must be seen in its historical context: "To read in the 21st century a Tintin album dating back to 1931 requires a minimum of intellectual honesty," it said. "If one applied the 'politically correct' filter to great artists or writers, we could no longer publish certain novels of Balzac, Jules Verne, or even some Shakespeare plays."

Mr Ndjakanyi said this argument did not wash. "When the album was written there was no legal disposition incriminating racism. In 2009 there is. This isn't about history but the law."


And it's probably also about the big fat bank account that Ndjakanyi is building up by exploiting the Man-Baby's mental defects.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

'Bruno' was surprisingly boring

Bruno (2009)
Starring: Sasha Baron Cohen and Gustaf Hammerstein
Director: Larry Charles
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

I went to see "Bruno" expecting it to be stupid and gross. I did not expect it to be boring.


The problem with the movie is exactly what I feared: The central character, the cartoonishly flaboyantly and obnoxiously homosexual fashion reporter Bruno, is simply too much of a cartoon to support a full movie. Like the worst of the movies based on successful Saturday Night Live bits, "Bruno" is an illustration that sketch comedy should generally speaking remain short-form. However, the filmmakers did realize this and they attempted to mitigate the problem by making a movie that is, essentially, an unconnected series of vinettes organzied around a storyline that sees a disgraced Bruno trying to hang onto what little media spotlight he has by trying to become a celebrity who is famous for being famous.

There are some genuinely funny bits in the film, but they are too few and too far between. Plus, you've already seen the punchlines for most of them if you've seen any "Bruno" commercials.

The "adopt-a-baby and use it for media attention" storyline and surrounding bits are funny, as is Bruno's attempts to "go straight" and the end credits sequence, but most of the rest of the film feels forced.

Worse, Bruno is a repulsive character, not just because he is sexually obsessed to a demented degree, but because he is mean-spirited and stupid. Borat at least had the saving grace of not being a vicious jackass. I spent most of my time watching this movie, wincing with embarrassment on behalf of Bruno because of his antics and meanness.

I recommend skipping this film, or at least waiting for the DVD release so you can rent it for cheap. It simply isn't good enough to pay even matinee prices for.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Karl Malden dead at 97

Karl Malden, the Academy Award-winning actor whose intelligent characterizations on stage and screen made him a star despite his plain looks, died Wednesday, his family said. He was 97.

Malden died of natural causes surrounded by his family at his Brentwood home, they told the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. He served as the academy's president from 1989-92.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson dead at 50

Pop star Michael Jackson has died after suffering a heart attack, it has been reported. Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics had rushed to the singer's home near Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, CA, after receiving a 911 call. He was rushed to a hospital, but he had already passed away.

The cause of Jackson's death was reportedly an overdose of prescription drugs, which he had obtained legally from his doctor.

Jackson was living in Los Angeles while rehearsing a series of 50 sold-out shows in London, the LA Times has reported. The tour was to have been his comeback following his acquittal on charges of child sexual abuse.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dropping even the pretense of an independent media

ABC is going to be broadcasting prime-time "news" from the White House, all about the Obama plan for health care. Supposedly, viewpoints other than those put forth by our Glorious Leader will provided by everyday citizens in attendence at a "town-hall style" event where Our Glorious Leader will take uncensored, unedited questions.

When the Republicans pointed out that a "news broadcast" in an environment dictated and controlled by Our Glorious Leader's press office and security staff, ABCNews' Senior Vice President Kerry Smith offered this very disingenious response:

"ABCNEWS alone will select those who will be in the audience asking questions of the president. Like any programs we broadcast, ABC News will have complete editorial control. To suggest otherwise is quite unfair to both our journalists and our audience."

Those out there who think for yourselves will be wondering HOW ABC is going to select who will be in the audience and who will ge to ask questions given that the Secret Service (or anyone really) can deny anyone access to the environment around our Glorious Leader by labeling them a security risk. ABC News has NO control over ANYTHING within the White House. To claim otherwise is an insult to the intelligence of the American people.

It's tragic that we no longer have a truly independent media in this country. One more half step, and we will have an oligarchical dictatorship.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

David Carradine dead at 72

David Carradine, best known for his leading role of Kwai Chang Caine on TV's "Kung Fu" in the 1970s, died Wednesday in Bangkok, where he was shooting a film, his manager confirmed Thursday. He was 72.

According to manager Chuck Binder, the movie's producer went to Carradine's hotel room and found that he had passed away. Binder told Fox News the death is "shocking and sad. He was full of life, always wanting to work ... a great person."

Other reports offer more details and more lacivious accounts that indicate that Carradine died from aphyxiation during a sex game gone wrong. Some truly insane reports make the claim that he was murdered by Ninjas trying to protect their martial arts secrets. (No, I'm not making that up.)

Married five times and divorced four, he is survived by his widow, Annie Bierman, whom he married in 2004.



(On a personal note... while Carradine was passing away, I was probably writing the entry for the Carradine-starring turkey "Future Force" for 150 Movies You Should Die Before You See, my forthcoming book. Coincidences are funny things.)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Wayne Allwine dead at 62

Wayne Allwine, a Disney sound-effects technician who became the falsetto voice of Mickey Mouse in 1977, died Monday in Los Angeles at age 62 from complications related to diabetes.

In a statement, Disney CEO Robert Iger said, "Wayne dedicated his entire professional life to Disney, and over the last 32 years, gave so much joy, happiness and comfort to so many around the world by giving voice to our most beloved, iconic character, Mickey Mouse."

Allwine was the third person to provide Mickey's voice in films and TV shows -- the first, being Walt Disney himself, who did so from 1928 to 1947, when Jimmy McDonald, another Disney sound engineer took over.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Guess the bad guy in 'Angels and Demons'!

Angels & Demons (2009)
Starring: Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer, Stellan Skarsgård, Armin Mueller-Stahl, and Nikolaj Lie Kaas
Director: Ron Howard
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Harvard professor Robert Langdon (Hanks) races across Rome and against time to stop agents of the Illuminati from taking revenge on the Catholic Church for ancient wrongs, bringing to a head a secret war that has waged for 400 years. If Langdon fails to properly interpert clues hidden in the architecture and saturary of the Vatican and Rome's most famous sites within the space of one night, four Cardinals will be murdered and the Vatacin will be destroyed in a massive terroist attack.


"Angels & Demons" is a race-against-the-clock thriller (literally in every sense) that uses a heavily ficitonalized version of historical events and organzaitons as its backdrop, and the far-fetched sci-fi concept of an anti-matter bomb as a major plot device. It's well-filmed with an excellent musical score helping to move the action along. Every actor is excellent, with Ewan McGregor (as the only seemingly-openminded clergyman in the entire Vatican) and Stellan Skarsgaard (as the head of the Swiss Guard and a religious fanatic who seems to be obstruct Langdon's investiation at every turn) shining particularly brightly.

This is a thoroughly entertaining film with a cleverly constructed plot that gives viewers enough clues to play along and try to sort out the good guys from the bad guys as they story unfolds, but still keeps enough back so when the truth about the goals and desires of the film's main characters and villains start emerging it all fits together and it feels satisfying.

But only if one accepts that the film is complete and total fiction.

I'm no historian, but even I know that Copernicus died of natural causes and was not murdered by the Church (as is claimed in the movie, as one of several reasons for why the Illuminati has been secretly at war with the Church). I also know that the Illuminati was founded in 1776, by political philosphers with no interest in science, not by Gallileo as is claimed in this story. I'm no scientist but even I know that it is beyond our current scientific know-how to create (and let alone store) the amount of anti-matter featured in the film.

I've never read any of Dan Brown's books, but if this movie is accurate representation of the "facts" they contain, I don't understand what the fuss is. It looks to be trashy fiction that's translated into trashy movies. "Angels & Demons" is a fun romp, but it's nothing more than that."

The same is true of the claim that it's a screed against Catholics and that it promotes anti-Catholic bigotry. Having watched the filn now, I don't see where the American Catholic League is coming from with its boycott calls. They would have been far better off if they had just kept their mouths shut; Columbia Pictures would have had at least one less ticket sale on this opening day.

"Angels & Demons" no more promotes bigotry against Catholics than "Absolaute Power" promoted bigotry against political toadies. In fact, the only thing in this movie that seems to be an accurate portrayal of anything real is the fact that any institution made by man can be subverted and corrupted by man. There are evil Catholics in the film, and there are good Catholics in the film. (The only possible bigotry I see in it, is a bigotry against historical facts. But, since I know this is a work of fiction, that notion is as silly as the call for the film to be boycotted.)

So, should you see "Angels & Demons"? I found it to be a fast-paced, engaging thriller, but I wouldn't recommend you think too hard while watching it; if you do, you'll notice the historical and scientific nonsense that rests at its core. Basicallyl, this is the sort of B-movie trash that I spend most of my time reviewing, but it's features an A-list cast and a huge budget.




Thursday, May 14, 2009

Vatican newspaper at odds with Catholic League


"Angels and Demons" opens tomorrow, the latest Tom Hanks-starring, Ron Howard-directed, Dan Brown novel-based movie. The leader of the Catholic League has called for the film to be boycotted because of its anti-Catholic bigotry.

This means that I will be seeing it at as early a screening as my schedule allows, and that I will have a review posted here by tomorrow evening at the latest.

Interestingly, as is usually the case when morons call for a movie to be boycotted sight unseen, those who have actually seen it don't think it's as bad as all that.

Today, WENN says that film reviewers at The Vatican's newspaper "L'Osservatore Romano", who attended a special screening earlier this month, dubbed the film inaccurate but "harmless". (The film's storyline reportedly deals with a renegade element within the Catholic Church dishing out death and mayhem to protect its secrets and gain revenge.)

Also quoted by WENN is one of the movie's stars, Ewan McGregor. He stated, "there's no anti-Catholicism or anti-Christianity in the movie - otherwise I wouldn't have made it."

All in all, it sounds like the overly sensitive and/or publicity seekers are once again giving free (if false) advertising to another movie that already has hundreds of thousands of marketing dollars behind it.

I guess we'll all know the truth tomorrow. Please check in for my review.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Neo-Nazi assholes attack pensioners

Filthy Neo-Nazi cowards abused concentration camp survivors at ceremonies held to mark their liberation by American forces. Here are the first few paragraphs from the Daily Mirror story.

Survivors of a Nazi death camp were shot at and abused as they gathered to remember their liberation.

Masked neo-Nazi thugs screamed 'Heil Hitler!' and 'This way for the gas!' at ten elderly Italian men and women, who returned to the site of the Mauthausen concentration camp in Austria.

The gang also fired air guns at a group of 15 French survivors, many dressed in the striped pyjama-style uniforms they wore as inmates. One suffered a head wound while another was injured by a shot in the neck. The four thugs managed to escape.

You can read the full article here, as well as see pictures of those who took part in the ceremonies. No pictures of the scum who disrupted them and terrorized those in attendence, though.

The most pathetic thing about these inbred, Eurotrash scumbags is that they don't have the courage of their convictions. Like Muslim terrorists, like "anarchists" who get off on disrupting the lives of citizens in cities hosting international conferences, like any number of assholes in this world, they are too cowardly to stand by their actions and hide their faces behind masks.

It's no wonder Nazis are so beloved among Muslims and that their methods are so popular among so-called liberal activist groups. They have a lot in common.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

'Taken' is the feel-good movie of 2009

Taken (2009)
Starring: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen and Arben Bajraktaraj
Director: Pierre Morel
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When his teenaged daughter (Grace) is kidnapped by a white slavery and prostitution ring, a retired CIA wetworks specialist (Neeson) puts all his skills to use to get her back... and to kill those who harmed her.


"Taken" is the feel-good fantasy movie of 2009. It's a movie about a father who is trying to make up for lost time with his nearly-grown daughter--and who manages to not only save her life but to make her fondest dreams come true through a series of coincidences established in the film's first act and resolved in the denouement--but it's also a movie where one man brings down a vicious crime syndicate and exposes police corruption at the very highest levels. I've also rarely seen a film with so many people so richly and obviously deserving of death as the ones dispatched by the hero in this film.

With well-drawn and believable characters and a script that is fast-paced and finely tuned, "Taken" is a must-see for lovers of action films--and for anyone who wants to see some truly scummy bad guys get dispatched by a James Bond-like character who is fighting to save someone he truly loves. Neeson is fantastic in the part of a man who isn't especially violent, but who has no problem with killing bad guys when it comes to it. (There is a particularly neat scene that demonstrates exactly how Neeson's character respects life and tries to protect the innocents: He is in the middle of dispatching the first rung of the white slavery operation, but he takes steps to avoid harming some construction workers who may or may not be innocent bystanders.)

"Taken" will be available on DVD and Blu-Ray discs on May 12. If you missed it in the theaters, I highly recommend you check it out now. For more information, click here to view the Amazon.com listing.

(A word of caution for parents: I was surprised to note that the film is only rated PG-13. With the level of violence, drug use, and general plot of the film, I would have assume it was R. You should definitely watch the film before you let your kids at it and decide if you think it's appropriate for them. The MPAA is erratic as ever....)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dom DeLuise dead at 75

Dom Deluise has died at the age of 75. The veteran comedian passed away in his sleep at a hospital in Los Angeles on Monday night, according to his son, Michael DeLuise.


DeLuise rose to fame in the 1970s and '80s, appearing alongside pal Burt Reynolds in movies like "The Cannonball Run", "The End", and "All Dogs Go to Heaven"; and in Mel Brooks comedies such as 1974's "Blazing Saddles", 1976's "Silent Movie", and 1993 comedy "Robin Hood: Men in Tights".

He became known on the small screen for his magic act as 'Dominick the Great' on the popular Dean Martin show between 1972 and 1973 He was nominated for a Golden Globe in 1974 for his work on TV comedy "Lotsa Luck", while he received a nod at the Daytime Emmys in 1999 for his efforts on animation "All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series". He also appeared on two episodes of "Stargate: SG-1".

DeLuise spent his latter years writing children's books and cookbooks.

He is survived by his actress wife Carol Arthur, who he married in 1965, and their three actor sons Peter, David and Michael DeLuise.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Actress Jane Randolph dead at 94

Jane Randolph, who starred in the two "Cat People" horror films and several film noir classics of the 1940s, died May 4 in Gstaad, Switzerland of complications from a broken hip. She was 94.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Happy May Day!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Hilarious video from Eminem

"We Made You" is a hilarious new song and video from Eminem that skewers trashy celebs while even poking a little fun at himself. The song itself is pretty funny and the tune catchy, but the great video truly makes it. He comes across like a mean-spirited Weird Al in the video and song.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Dave Arneson dead at 61

Game designer and co-creator of the original Dungeons & Dragons game, Dave Arneson, has passed away on April 7 after losing a battle with cancer and a brief hospitalization. He was 61.

Arneson co-created the most popular RPG in history with Gary Gygax in the early 1974, during which time he also created the very first setting for the game, Blackmoor. He remained active in the game design field until 2002 when a stroke forced him into retirement.


The news of Arneson's death makes me sad, as he's yet another of my idols to pass away in recent years. He is one of the few figures in the hobby games biz who influenced my career path by inspiring me to write in the field.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

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