'Hands of Steel': Terminator for Girls

Hands of Steel (aka "Atomic Cyborg" and "Arms of Steel") (1986)
Starring: Daniel Greene, Janet Agren, George Eastman, Claudio Cassinelli, Luigi Montifori, Andrew Coppola, and John Saxon
Director: Martin Doleman (aka Sergio Martino)
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

In the near future, a powerful industrialist (Saxon) co-opts a U.S. Army super-soldier program for use as his own personal assassination squad. When the perfect cybernetic super-soldier (Greene) breaks his programming and heads home to Arizona in search of his true identity, ruthless assassins are put on his trail to silence him before he thinks to turn himself into the authorities.

Someone I used to watch crummy movies with referred to "Hands of Steel" as "Terminator for Girls."

I thought it was a funny and very accurate description. The cyborg in search of emotional peace and answers to who he is is played by a very handsome male specimen, and the "lonely woman finds true love and redeems a Bad Boy" is a chick fantasy if there ever was one.

Along the way, there's some violence courtesy of said cyborg bad boy and the assassins chasing him, as well as a subplot involving semi-pro arm-wrestlers that makes "Over the Top" look like a masterpiece, with the only positive thing about it being the contests are motivated by chivalry instead of an attempt to earn the love and respect of a 13 year-old boy. I wish I could say there was much hilarity and/or excitement in watching arm-wrestling battles of Man vs. Cyborg, but no; it's even dumber here than it was in the Stallone movie. But at least the arm-wrestling is motivated by chivalry and not an attempt to earn the love and respect of the cyborg's estranged son. (I realize arm wrestling is viewed as a sport in some of the more bizarre places of the world--like caber-tossing, curling, and, no doubt, pig catching--but was it really so popular in the 1980s that it warranted cinematic treatments?)

Aside from the arm wrestling sequences, the fight and chase scenes are fairly well done, considering what is usually found in films at this level. The Battle Royale from which the above screenshot is culled--when the assassins finally catch up with our hero--is one of the movie's high points. It comes as a near-complete surprise, which I may well have spoiled by mentioning it here. Whoops.

At any rate, that fight kicks off the movie's third act which is little more than chases, mayhem, and violence again goons in black suits and motorcycle helmets (that culminates in John Saxon wielding a weapon that shoots colorful cartoon lines--oh, sorry... laser beams). It's the point in the movie where there's "no plot to get in the way of the action," except for when the "redemption of the Bad Boy" is reintroduced and brought to its natural conclusion. Do we get a happy ending where Cyborg and Girl live happily ever after? Well, I'm not going to be that bad with spoilers, but it was the one point where the film had me guessing as to what was going to come next.

This is a fun, cheesy sci-fi flick that should appeal equally to fans of "Warriors of the Wasteland", "Robocop" and "Terminator". While it's squarely in the territory of Bad Movie Night fodder, it does have good action scenes and it features decent performances by Daniel Greene and Janet Agren. I recommend pairing it with Charles Band's "Crash and Burn" for the common themes of killer cyborgs and evil corporations bent on destroying the environment just for money and the hell of it. (In fact, I continue to be astonished that neither Band nor companies like Mill Creek hasn't taken advantage of the ongoing environmentalist hysteria to repackage and/or retitle some of these B-movies with environmentalist side themes in attempts to sponge a few dollars off the True Believers in the cult of man-made global warming. It might be a little late now, though, as the mass-media seems to be moving onto other topics.)





Trivia: This was the final screen appearance of Claudio Cassinelli, an Italian actor whose face is familiar to lovers of trashy cinema. He died in a helicopter crash during the production.

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Xtro: The Complete 'Trilogy'

When is a movie trilogy NOT a movie trilogy? When it's the "Xtro" series!

"Xtro" is a series of sci-fi/horror films that are linked only by the presence of killer creatures from other worlds, the same director, and the word "Xtro" in the titles. There are no story links and the killer aliens are vastly different in each film. One really has to wonder why they chose to make the second two films "sequels" to the original; was the title "Xtro" really such a draw in the early 1990s? I understand that the first film achieved some minor legendary status by being included on the British list of "Video Nasties", but was that really enough to drive viewers to sequels made as long as ten years after the original? Especially given how bad the sequels were?


Xtro (1983)
Starring: Bernice Steger, Phillip Seyer, Maryam D'Abo, and Simon Nash
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Three years after being abducted by aliens, Sam (Seyer) returns a very different man, and he passes his gooey, gory alien powers onto his young son (Nash).


When I first saw this movie as a kid, it freaked the heck out of me. The father coming back and spreading alien corruption throughout the household, the way the son was transformed, and the way he in turn went after the horny au-paire (D'Abo)... even the creepy way he made deadly things appear with his mental powers. It all seemed very, very scary.

I suspect someone watching the film with less jaded eyes than mine could still find "Xtro" scary. At this point, I find still find some of the movie quite disturbing--Sam's method of returning to human form was not something I recalled, and it is definitely creepy; the alien egg-laying scene; and the final scene with the mother... well, up to a point with that one--but in general, I now view this film mostly with a sense of frustration because there are two fundamental things that spoil it for me.

First, there's the fact that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to what the characters do, alien or otherwise. In fact, some of the things that happen are pure "Stupid Character Syndrom"--a character does something just to make sure the plot doesn't come to screeching halt, even if a vaguely intelligent person would take any one of numerous different options.

Second, the director and/or scriptwriter simply doesn't know when enough is enough, and this spoils a number of what otherwise would have been excellent, very scary moments. The movie's ending is the ultimate example of this. I won't go into details, because I would spoil it, but suffice to say, the filmmakers ruin a perfectly good ending. If they had been smart, the film would be about 5-10 seconds shorter.

On the upside, we do get to see D'Abo prance around in absolutely nothing, and the acting is uniformly bland (not quite bad... just flat) so no one stands out as good or bad. Gorehounds might also be impressed with a number of scenes in film. The "Return of Sam" scene is a standout in that sense. "Xtro" also features a well-done electronic score, and those are few and far between.

Nonethless, this is a film that clocks in at the low end of average... although I admit my reaction may partially be due to it not living up to my memories of it. (Maybe I'll get the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again. It's the only movie I walked out because it scared me too badly.)


XTRO II: The Second Encounter (1991)
Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, Tara Buckman, and Paul Koslo
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Deep underground, American scientists discover how to open a portal to another world...but, surprise-surprise, something goes wrong and murderous critters come across the dimensional void to run amuk. How will the best-and-brightest of the Mad Science Set stop the invasion and save themselves?!

Picture a bad "Aliens" rip-off and cross it with some of the lamest plot elements of a bad "Stargate SG-1" episode, and you have "XTRO: The Second Encounter."


Not only does this "sequel" have absolutely nothing in common with the first movie--the creatures don't even seem to be related--but it's also devoid of good acting, competent direction, and anything that even approaches originality.

For all its faults, the original XTRO at least delivered some genuine weirdness and horror, and it did so with a certain flair. This "sequel" brings absolutely nothing worthwhile to the table. It is a study in complete mediocrity and unoriginality.


Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1994)
Starring: Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Andrea Lauren Hertz, and Robert Kulp
Director: Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of Marine demolitions experts are sent to a remote, deserted island to disarm explosives left over from WW2. As will happen, something goes wrong and they unleash an alien that has been trapped in a bunker for several decades. Gory mayhem ensues.

I've read in several places that director Harry Bromley Davenport says this is his favorite entry in the "Xtro" series. I can't for the life of me figure out why. As flawed as it was, the original "Xtro" is far more interesting on every level than this one... and far more competently made.

It's actually a shame that "Xtro 3" turned out as a textbook example of what happens when a low-budget film is made with a slip-shod attitude, because there was a lot of potential here.

The setting--a deserted jungle island that once housed interned Japanese and a secret research facility could have been a character unto itself and filled the movie with atmosphere if the cinematography and direction hadn't been as lifeless as an instructional video on how to navigate the Dewey Decimal System. The story of Marines stalked by a murderous alien creature could have been engaging if the script writer had taken time to research actual military protocols and behaviors, had spent some time making the characters interesting and distinct, and bothered to actually bothered to do more than one draft so the dialogue didn't sound like something written for a cheap voice-over of a Japanese sci-fi movie.

And speaking of characters, perhaps if the actors all didn't seem like they had been handed the script pages right before cameras started to roll but instead seemed like they were in character instead of simply delivering the bad lines, the audience could perhaps develop attachment to one or more of them. Although decent acting would not make up for the fact that illogical, plot-dictated behavior governs every action they take, because no one seems to have bothered to think scenes through.

Similarly, if someone had paid attention to costuming and continuity on the production, maybe generous-minded or entertainment-starved viewers would be able to suspend disbelief and engage with the film, despite the incompetent direction and script. However, the appearing and disappearing gear on characters and less effort put into costuming than you might put into getting dressed for lounging around the house on a Saturday when your friends are all out of town, make that impossible.

Finally, although the alien has possibilities to rival the creepy creature of the original "Xtro," it ends up more laughable than scary due to badly executed special effects and the aforementioned illogical, plot-dictated character behavior. Is there anyone reading this who has seen this film who didn't think like I did: "Why run when you can just kick it really hard?"

"Xtro 3" continues the decline of this series into crapitude. The only thing that keeps it from sinking to a Two Rating (and thus earning a place over at Movies You Should [Die Before You] See) is the alien's back story. It's a cool idea... and it's too bad that it is wasted in a movie like this one. (I won't give it away here, because it is one of the few decent story elements in the film.)

If your looking for something to round out a Bad Movie Night line-up, "Xtro 3: Watch the Skies" might be what you're looking for. You might, however, be better off actually watching the skies and identifying shapes in the clouds.







Trivia: Harry Bromley Davenport stated in a 2010 interview that "Xtro 4" was in the works, which he confirmed in March 2011, in this interview. It remains to be seen if he continues to trend of making each installment in the series worse than the one that went before. It's already a given that this film will have no connection to the others, save for the word "Xtro". (And the fact that a fourth Xtro film is in production puts a lie to the claim that this post covers the complete series/trilogy. Although that may be kind of fitting, given how this "series" isn't one.

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'Cyber Ninja' has it all except the kitchen sink

Cyber Ninja (1988)
Starring: Hanbei Kawai, Hiroki Ida, Shôhei Yamamoto, Eri Morishita, Makoto Yokoyama, and Masaaki Emori
Director: Keita Amemiya
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

In the far future, the Suwabeh Clan is locked in a final desperate battle against a society of techno-demons who are turning human warriors into cybernetic ninjas while preparing for when the Stars Are Right to unleash their demon god upon the world. At the eleventh hour, they receive surprise assistance from one of the cyber ninjas, who is on a quest to reunite his soul with his body.

"Cyber Ninja" is probably some sort of mile stone in cross-genre craziness. The film covers the fantasy aspect with sorcery and echoes of ancient Japan feudal culture with its princesses, house retainers, ninja, ronin, and samurai, and it hits the sci-fi genre with giant battle-mechs--that mirror the fantasy aspect by looking like pagodas--and armies of robot ninja vs. cybernetically enhanced samurai, and it brings in horror with some fairly dastardly demons and the uber-demon they are about to summon to ravish the world.

Unfortunately, it's not an achievement in story-telling, and all those various elements just sort of swirl around and bump into each other in a chaotic mess that makes very little sense. However, I think this is one of those movies that 10 year old boys will get a huge kick out of. They will be so enamoured with the robot ninjas, waving swords and giant battle-mechs they won't notice the complete lack of logic to much of the activities by both the good guys and the bad guys, nor will they notice that the battle-mechs look more like a row of outhouses than the mechanized castles they're supposed to be. Kids might not even notice how absolutely rediculous some of the voice acting in the dubbed version is. (The Dark Bishop would have been laughed out of Evil College with a voice like that.)

Trivia: Director/co-writer Keita Amemiya created several genre-mixing movies and anime series during the 1980s and 1990s, the most famous of them being the "Zeram" movies and cartoons. He was also the main creative force behind the sci-fi/fantasy film hybrid "Moon Over Tao".

The deadliest of blogathons....

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'A Fistful of Talons' equals karate nonsense

A Fistful of Talons (1983)
Starring: Billy Chong, Ying Bai, Hilda Liu and Feng Tien
Director: Chung Sun
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

An obnoxious young martial artist who enjoys tormenting Manchurians in the decade following the fall of the Ching Dynasty (Chong) becomes intrigued by a mysterious traveler (Bai) and decides to follow him. Along the way, he becomes engaged to and skips out on a young woman who raises eagles as a hobby (Liu), and becomes embroiled in a plot to restore the Ching Emperor to power.


"A Fistful of Talons" is a movie rushes headlong from fight scene to fight scene, hardly ever taking a break from slap-stick flavored confrontations to life-or-death battles with the future of China at stake. It's a film that I found surprisingly entertaining, given that I found the "hero" to be an obnoxious git.

This is a film that has all the strengths and weaknesses of the best Chinese martial arts movies from the late 1970s and early 1980s. On the plus side, the fights are peformed by real acrobats and martial artists with little or no use of wires and trick photography. On the downside, the film is a little incoherent in the area of plot, and, like so many other Chinese action movies of this period, it ends literally when the hero strikes the killing blow against the main villain. And if there ever was a movie that needed a denoument, this is the one.

Did Jerk Boy and the girl he promised to marry resolve their differences (and get married)? What happened with the Seal of the Emperor, a major maguffin throughout the film? Did Jerk Boy become a more serious participant in the Republician effort, or did he stick with harrassing random Manchurians? Moreso than in any other early 1980s martial arts film, I was left after the obligatory still-frame and "The End" title card wanting to know how the story ended. I wanted to know the answer to those questions and others. Because of that, the film teeters on the brink of a 7 rating, as it clearly drew me in, despite my dislike of the "hero". But because I don't get that ending, I'm keeping my rating on the low side.





If you like martial arts movies, be sure come back in November for Nine Days of the Ninja.

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'The Big Picture' is far from perfect

The Big Picture (1989)
Starring: Kevin Bacon, Emily Longstreth, J.T. Walsh, Michael McKean, and Jennifer Jason Leigh
Director: Christopher Guest
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When film-student Nick Chapman (Bacon) wins a prestigious award and is immediately given a movie to direct by a studio executive (Walsh), he thinks his career is rocketing along. But, after selling out with lightning speed, he discovers how fickle and phony the business and people in the movie industry are.


Although the story of "The Big Picture" is one that's been told a hundred times over, it's retold here with great charm, humor, and a cast where every actor is excellent and at the top of his or her game. (Kevin Bacon, J.T. Walsh, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Micheal McKean are particularly good in this film. Leigh truly rocks as a kooky artist.)

Unfortunately, the first act of the movie really drags for me, partly because it consists almost entirely of scenes featuring people being awkward or indifferent, but mostly Nick is such a dunderhead. Basically, in the first case, the director is trying to show us that Nick is about of his element, and that he is feeling starstruck and awkward, but it's done too many times and it feels over done. Maybe that's because I've been on both ends of that situation--the one feeling awkward and star-struck AND being the person who had to suffer through encounters with the awkward and star-struck that I feel this way. Plus it annoyed me throws his friends and fiance overboard for one film deal and a slutty B-actress. I felt like Nick's film school nemesis deserved more success, because he was a self-absorbed prick from the beginning, while Nick turns into one almost overnight. I initially found it impossible to root for Nick, and I found him too repulsive to be funny.

Things get better as the film goes on--once Nick gets kicked in the teeth by the soulless and fickle Hollywood Movie Machine and then later inadvertently turns it to his advantage--but that first act was so hard to get through that it really dragged the whole movie down.

Although I've had very few dealings with the real-life people being mocked in this film, I suspect there is much truth in what is portrayed. It certainly explains how some of the crap I watch and review gets made. It's a fun movie, but I would have enjoyed it more if the first act had been stronger. (Or maybe weaker? Perhaps the actors were TOO good during that part of the movie?)

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'Diary of a Big Man' is a funny tale of bigamy

Diary of a Big Man (1988)
Starring: Chow Yun-Fat, Sally Yeh, and Joey Wang
Director: Chor Yun
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

In something of a change of pace, action star Chow Yun-Fat takes the lead in a romantic comedy as a stockbroker who stumbles his way into marriage with two different women after he can't bring himself to break either's heart. With the help of a loyal friend, he attempts to balance both marriages, but eventually something has to give....


This film takes all the twists and turns that one expects a romantic comedy to take, but it does it with a certain style and flair, and it explodes into completely unexpected over-the-top and hilarious insanity. The performances by Chow Yun Fat and Sally Yeh are particularly fun to watch as the antics unfold.

One complaint I have is that the subtitles are... well, brittle. They are more difficult to read than average, something which is frustrating in a film where the patter is flying fast and furious. On the upside, there aren't many examples of the bizarre literal translations that are so common in Hong Kong flicks. Another subtitle complaint is that the featured song in the film is subtitled in Cantonese but not in English.

Despite these technical gripes, this is a fun little movie that's worth watching.

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Stallone goes over the top!

This review is a spin-off from the week-long celebration of The Expendables at Watching the Detectives.

Over the Top (aka "Meet Me Half Way" (1987))
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, David Mendenhall, and Robert Loggia
Director: Menehen Golan
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Lincoln Hawk (Stallone), a long haul trucker and semi-pro competitive arm wrestler struggles to reconnect with his son (Mendenhall) after the death of his wife.

Yes... I wrote "semi-pro competitive arm wrestler." There are parts of this movie that play like "Balls of Fury", with its extreme ping-pong matches, yet it's all meant to be taken seriously. And apparently there are enough folks out there who take arm wrestling seriously enough that there are leagues and championships, just like we see in this movie. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but this website is proof that truth is often nearly as strange as fiction.

But why anyone would think that a movie centered on a semi-pro arm wrestler could be profitable with a budget of $25 million is a complete mystery. Perhaps they thought anything vaguely sports related starring Sylvester Stallone would be an instant hit, what with the first three "Rocky" movies having been huge successeses. They were of course wrong, and "Over the Top" lost some $9 million during its theatrical run.

I don't know if this movie bombing is a good thing or a tragedy, because if it had turned a quick profit, I'm sure we would have been treated to Stallone as a semi-pro caber tosser in "Death Logs" and as a semi-pro curling player, squaring off against a team of villains led by Dolph Lundgren in "Clean Sweep."

I do wish I had remembered this movie existed while working on my forthcoming book, 150 Movies You Should (Die Before You) See. It would have been ideal for the chapter titled "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time." But, featuring it for The Expendables Week is a good second best.


While I remain baffled any executive at Cannon Group, Warner Bros. or Golan-Globus would have thought an idea this lame could earn back a $25 million investment, I can see why this film might have appealed to Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone is an actor, who enjoys acting, and the character he portrays here is different than any other he had played at this time (or since, as far as I know). Lincoln Hawk comes across like a gentle, soft-spoken man for whom confrontation is something he tries to avoid until back into a corner, and for whom violence is usually not even an option to be considered. There is a lot about the Lincoln Hawk character that feels very real, and I think Stallone does a good job at portraying him. I also think this character looked better on paper, because he's the only thing that feels even close to real in this film, as the goofy arm wrestling "action" is laughable, and Hawk's Snidely Whiplash-like millionaire father-in-law (played by Robert Loggia) is so over the top in every way that one might think the title refers to him instead of an arm wrestling move. Hawk's relationship with his son also feels artificial, both because of some weak writing... and because child actor David Mendenhall is an average child actor. And that means that you can tell he is ACTING whenever he is in a scene.

Aside from fans of Sylvester Stallone being able to enjoy him doing something a little different, there really isn't anything particularly exceptional about "Over the Top". All the technical aspects of the film are executed with the level of competence you'd expect for a movie someone spent $25 million on, but there is no making up for the fact that the film's main hook is goofy in the extreme (even if there is a real-world counterpart to it).

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Tin foil hats DO work against mind control!

They Came From Beyond Space (1981)
Starring: Robert Hutton, Jennifer Jayne, and Michael Gough
Director: Freddie Francis
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A group of scientists researching a strange group of meteors fall prey to alien mind-control. They swiftly start spreading their domination to others, as well as start spreading a deadly plague. When they try to dominate astrophysicist Dr. Curtis Temple (Hutton), the metal plate in his head protects him. He launches a one-man battle to figure out what the aliens are up to, and how they can be stopped.


"They Came From Beyond Space" is a sci-fi movie in the "invisible invasion" mode that's got an okay cast and all the components of a great sci-fi thriller, but the stew never quite reaches a boil. The best moments of the film are the unintentional comedic moments, such as when Dr. Temple and a colleague literally create tin-foil hats for protection from the alien mind control.

And aside from unintentional comedy, there's nothing else here worth commenting on. It's about as bland as a movie can be while still offering a little entertainment.

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The only movie to give me nightmares

Meet the Feebles (1989)
Starring (the voices of): Mark Hadlow, Peter Vere-Jones, and Stuart Devenie
Director: Peter Jackson
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Long before the big-budget success of the "King Kong" remake and the "Lord of the Rings" series Peter Jackson directed gross-out movies like "Dead Alive," "Bad Taste," and the puppet extravaganza "Meet the Feebles."


"Meet the Feebles" is a film that follows a chaotic day-in-the-life of the corrupt and perverted performers and crew of the "Feebles Variety Hour" as they prepare for their first nation-wide television network broadcast. If you can think of something perverted, violent, or vile, these characters are up to it, and they do it on screen.

It doesn't matter they're puppets, or actors in costumes in the case of the characters... that might even make it worse. I'm not sure. The fact is that after the opening scene, the film immediately turns very dark and very ugly.

The extremely concentrated dose of depravity in this film--which is probably as close to the representation of Roman Polanski's sexual fantasies we'll ever get to see on film, with all the drugging and raping and filming of pornography going on--and the puppets and the characters they represent so ugly that this film actually gave me nightmares after I watched it. This is the only time it has ever happened to me, despite decades of watching horrible movies. Perhaps because the film has a nightmarish quality to it as it's unfolding, it seemed into my subconscious and followed me into sleep.

Whatever the reason, this is a horrible film. However, it sets out to be a horrible film, so Jackson succeeded in doing exactly what he set out to do. That explains my high rating for the film, but it is also the reason why I can't recommend that any one watch it.

"Meet the Feebles" is a funny spoof on the classic "The Muppet Show" and the face the entertainment industry likes to present via movies about itself, but it is simply too ugly a movie to be enjoyed by anyone.

Except maybe Roman Polanski. He'll probably find himself loving every aspect of Trevor the Rat, a pornographer who likes to drug and rape aspiring actresses.

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'Chiller': When B-movies go bad

Chiller (1985)
Starring: Michael Beck, Beatrice Straight, Paul Sorvino, and Jill Shoelen
Director: Wes Craven
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Young corporate mogul Miles Creighton (Beck) was placed in cryogenic suspension until the day medical science could save him from an organ transplant that failed. Ten years later, he is revived and healed. However, there is something different about him: He is vicious, coldhearted... and homicidal!


"Chiller" is a classic example of a bad B-movie... we have a mildly interesting idea that's ground to death with pedestrian dialogue, so-so acting, and a story that's entirely too slow moving. Worse, the scares in "Chiller" are few and far between. This is definitely one of the worst movies Wes Craven has made. (He DID startle me at the end, but everything up to that point was either yawn-worthy or eye-rolling worthy.)

"Chiller" is worth seeing if you see it on TV late at night and every other channel is running info-mercials, or if you're the world's biggest Paul Sorvino fan (who is featured as the reverend who concludes that Miles may have come back to life, but his (duh-duhn-duuuhhn!) SOUL stayed in the afterlife), but otherwise it's best to leave it cooling on the shelf.





Click here to read a special post at Terror Titans that covers all of Wes Craven's famous and successful "Scream" movies.

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'Knightriders' is a surprising Romero movie

Knightriders (1981)
Starring: Ed Harris, Gary Lahti, Tom Savini, Amy Ingersoll, Warner Shook, Patricia Tallman, Christine Forrest, Brother Blue, and Cynthia Adler
Director: George Romero
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Like so many movies I watch and review, I came to this one not knowing what to expect, but attracted to it by the DVD cover image of a mace-wielding knight in full armor on a motorcycle. It turned out that "Knightriders" is quite a different sort of film than what we usually expect to see when the name "George A. Romero" is in the credits.

There are no zombies or psycho killers in this film. Instead, what we have is the story of a traveling roadshow consisting of stunt motorbikers who travel the country putting on a renaissance fair that is set apart from the usual such shows by elaborate jousting matches on motorcycles. Even more unusual, these carnies have created their own utopian society where the model set by King Arthur's Camelot is what they aspire to and where ancient virtues and knightly honor are the order of the day. However, just like the real Camelot, corruption and greed soon threatens to destroy what they have created....


"Knightriders" is a film that deserves more attention that it's gotten over the years. It's supremely well acted--Ed Harris' performance as the "king" who struggles to keep his community together brings a fantastic emotional purity to the film, while Tom Savini's enigmatic Morgan (and chief challenger to the king's throne) brings a nice touch of counterbalancing darkness--features great music, and some really great cinematography. The bike stunts are also fantastic and one wonders how no one got killed on the shoot!

Although the film runs a little too much past what should have been its climax, it presents an engaging, subtle retelling of the classic Arthurian tale that, like its model, has a timeless quality that makes this film just as vibrant now as it was in 1981. It's worth checking out by lovers of Ren Fairs, Camelot-style romantic stories, and well-made, intelligent cinema.

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Great film presents outdated future

Escape From New York (1981)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes, Donald Pleasence, and Adreinne Barbeau
Director: John Carpenter

In a 1980s vision of a dark future, Manhattan Island has been turned into a massive prison where the worst of the worst of American criminals are sent to live out their lives with no chance of ever being freed. After Air Force One crashes into the prison, decorated war-hero turned violent criminal Snake Pliskin (Russell) is recruited by the authorities to rescue the president.


What follows is one of the best adventure movies ever made, with touches of dystopic sci-fi, humor, horror, and action mixing easily together. Snake's quest through the deadly, decaying streets of Manhattan take him from strange to stranger, and from bizarre to deadly, as he penetrates ever-deeper into the nightmarish world that the prisoners have created. As if the cannibals and crazies weren't enough, Snake is also fighting the clock: Commisioner Hauk (Van Cleef) had Snake injected with time-released poison capsules that will kill him if he isn't back with the president in 22 hours.

"Escape From New York" is full of great moments of horror, humor, and action. Every actor puts on great performances, with Russell's Clint Eastwood imitation as Pliskin, Van Cleef as coldblooded prison warden/police commissioner Hauk, and Hayes as the insane, intensely evil Duke of New York being the most impressive. It's a movie that stands up to repeated viewings, with perfect pacing, magnificent sets, and an excellent electronic score that also ranks among Carpenter's greatest works.

If there's anything wrong with the movie, it's that its "near-future setting" hasn't aged well...but that is the complaint that can be made of ANY film that says "here's what tech will be like 20 years from now."

(From the News Department--Bad News Department: "Escape From New York" is yet another film that's going to be the subject of a crappy remake. Click here for the tragic news. While I agree this is one movie that's outdated, it's also a movie that there is no way they'll be able to match quality-wise.)

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The Complete Adventures of Agent 00

Here are two of the oddest film to ever be exported from the Phillipines, "For Your Height Only" and "The Impossible Kid." They chronicle the daring exploits of the shortest spy to ever menace the Forces of Evil, Weng Weng, and they are worthy candidates for any Bad Movie Night line-up (or any film festival organized to spotlight Greatest Movies Starring Midgets).



For Your Height Only (aka "For Y'ur Height Only") (1980)
Starring: Weng Weng and Beth Sandoval
Director: Eddie Nicart
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When the odds of success appear insurmountable, the Phillipine Secret Agency calls upon their smallest operative--Weng Weng, a three-foot-tall midget codenamed Agent 00 (Weng). But can even Agent 00 rescue an American scientist before the mysterious criminal mastermind Mister Giant forces a kidnapped American scientist to build him a deadly N-bomb? And, more importantly, will the swingin' Weng Weng nail his beautiful collegue, Irma (Sandoval).


"For Your Height Only" is a bizarre, low-budget James Bond spoof that features a tiny midget as the superspy... and he's every bit the lover and fighter that James Bond or Derek Flint are. While that in-and-of-itself is pretty funny, the movie is made all the more hilarious by the obvious budget constraints that result in Mister Giant's enforcers driving around in a VW Bug and Weng Weng's spy gadgets looking like they were made in someone's garage. (The gadgets themselves are hilarious as well, particularly the flying, remote controlled hat with the metal brim.)

Much humor also arises from the way Weng Weng's fantastic track record with the women. His lines may need work, but he's got some sort of magic, because chicks seem to fall into bed with him with very little effort on his part. Maybe, as Irma says at one point, it's because he's "petite, like a potato."

And the potato line is a prime example of another part of this film's hilarity. There is literally not a scene that goes by where a character doesn't utter a nonsense line like that, or some bizarre nonsequitor that will have you wondering if you heard right. (Believe me, you will have heard right.)

As this movie is dubbed from Tagalong into English, I don't know if the dialogue was as crazy in the original version, but it sure is wonderously wacky here. The voice actors are also extremely funny... the Phillipine gangsters have a variety of New York accents, and one sounds like Humphrey Bogard imitating James Cagney doing a spoof of a stereotypical 1920s gangboss. While part of the hilarity of that character comes from the dialogue, most of it comes from the irratic Humphry Bogard impersonation.

The many fight scenes in this film are also hilarious, partly due to their inept staging, but primarly due to do Weng Weng's signature move. He always leads with a cockpunch or a kick to the groin of his foes... and sometimes he stomps on the balls of an already defeated bad guy just for good measure. (And from the "I'm laughing but I shouldn't" department, he often utters a maniacal giggle after killing an enemy, especially if death was initiated with a cockpunch. He's a twisted little freak that Weng Weng.)

Aside from the fact that it features a midget superspy who gets laid more than John Shaft, "For Your Height Only" is remarkable for its soundtrack. I have no idea what the Tagalong theme song is about, but the incidental music echoes both the "James Bond Theme" and the theme song from "For Your Eyes Only" with great effect.

On the downside, this film offers too much of a good thing. Weng Weng's cockpunching gets a bit tiresome after his third run-in with Mister Giant's generic thugs (although things do start to pick up again when he invades the house where everyone is waving swords around for some reason), and as funny as the music is, it too gets old because it seems like only 5-10 minutes of it was written, so we hear the same tune over and over again as the film unfolds.

Still, despite its weaknesses, for "Your Height Only" will enliven any Bad Move Night. In fact, the merrifment that this movie will cause among the viewers might be so extreme that the repetitious parts won't even be noticed, because you will all be too busy trying to catch your breath and wiping tears of laughter from your eyes.




The Impossible Kid (1982)
Starring: Weng Weng, Romy Diaz, Tony Carreon, Ben Johnson, and Lili Vasquez
Director: Eddie Nicaz
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When an international terrorist group targets leading Phillipineo industrialists for blackmail and murder, Interpol's smallest operative--the three-foot tall Agent 00 (Weng)--takes on his biggest case.

"The Impossible Kid" is the sequel to "For Your Height Only," a James Bond spoof where the midget actor Weng Weng took on the role of superspy. Here, he is more of a pint-sized action hero, and the film is played in a far more straight fashion. The story is more coherent (even if it features a villain who stole his hood from a Grand Kleegel in the KKK and who communicates with the world via self-destructing TV sets), the fight scenes more varied and better staged--Weng Weng actually seems to be doing Kung Fu instead of just cockpunching bad guys--and Weng Weng's stunts are more impressive. And there's the miniature motorbike he zooms around!

Although I say this fillm is played straight that doesn't mean there are fewer laughs in it than the original. The martial arts scenes are a scream, and Weng Weng outsmarting, beating senseless, or simply killing the various gangsters chasing is equal parts amusing and thrilling at times. The way women continue to want to get get it on with Weng Weng is also hilarious, although he seemed committed to one woman in this film and he is therefore seen to run away from an entire whorehouse compliment of hookers who are lusting for him! (And watch for the "special effect" during the film's climax... it should go down as one of the greatest unintentional hilarious moments in cinematic history,

And then there's the soundtrack music. Weng Weng has his own theme song with lyrics that Shaft would envy, and the recurring action theme within the film echoes the" James Bond Theme", the "Pink Panther Theme", and the "Mission: Impossible Theme" with great and hilarious effect. Never has a composer done so much with so little originality as

Except for that whorehouse scene, and a couple of scenes in bars featuring exotic dancers, this would be a film I think little kids would love. As it stands, it's worth look by adults in search of something weird in the acton movie line, and it's definately a top candidate for a Bad Movie Night line-up.

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Polish Hams vs. the German Ubermenchen

Contiuing my observance of the 65th anniversary of the Nazis being crushed like the bugs that they were, I offer a review of one of the smartest movies Mel Brooks ever appeared in.

To Be or Not to Be (1983)
Starring: Mel Brooks, Anne Bancroft, Tim Matheson, Charles Durning, Jose Ferrer and Christopher Lloyd
Director: Alan Johnson
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

During the Nazi occupation of Poland, the Bronski Theatre Company, led by First-class Hams Dr. and Mrs. Bronski (Brooks and Bancroft), become involved with a desperate attempt to thwart a Nazi double-agent (Ferrer) from revealing the names of resistance fighters to the Gestapo.


"To Be or Not to Be" is probably one of the smartest movies that Mel Brooks has ever been part of. Although a remake of a classic comedy from the 1940s, this is a great movie in its own right, with stellar performances from all the films principals.

Anne Bancroft is particularly wonderful as Anna Bronski, an aging stage diva whose welcoming of amorous attention from a young admirer starts the series of escalating events that places her husband in the position of being the man to save the Polish underground.

Mel Brooks is hilarious as always--his "Highlights from Hamlet" are a hoot, as are his confrontations with the Nazis and observations about their literacy--and Charles Durning and Christopher Lloyd play Nazi SS officers with just the right mix of bufoonery and danger to create the perfect caricature of the self-important, dimwitted psychopaths that filled the middle ranks of the Third Reich.

Although a remake, the new material the film brings to this version is some of the best Mel Brooks has ever been responsible for. I don't think any other film comments as effectively on the destructiveness that Nazis and those like them (such as hardcore Communist and Islamic governments) to the creativity and free spirit and humanity of those who suffer under their boot heels. The final scenes at the Bronski Theatre, where the company and half a dozen Jews that they've been hiding enact an elaborate plan to escape Nazi clutches even as Hitler himself is watching from one of the boxes, in particular bring home the cruelty and lack of soul and compassion in a way that no other artistically themed film has other than "Cabaret". That scene, and the whole undercurrent of how the Nazis kill or pervert artistic expression that runs through the film, is something unique in the Mel Brooks' canon... and it's something that makes this movie a must-see.

For all the great stuff in this movie, there is one major misstep. For whatever reason, the writers, director and probably even Brooks himself felt obligated to include some of the third-wall wackiness that we expect from Brooks--the sort of stuff that was all over "Blazing Saddles" and "High Anxiety" at the very beginning of the movie. But that material is out of place and inappropriate for the comedic tone of the rest of the film. It's funny, but it still shouldn't have been included.

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'Time Bandits' is timeless fantasy classic

Time Bandits (1982)
Starring: David Warnock, David Warner, Sean Connery, John Cleese, David Rappaport, Kenny Baker, Ian Holm, Michael Palin, and Ralph Richardson
Director: Terry Gilliam
Rating: Ten of Ten Stars

Young David (Warnock) is sucked up in an adventure across time and space as dwarf-like assistants to the Supreme Being (Richardson) steal a map of Creation and use it to enrich themselves. Meanwhile, the Evil Genius (Warner) is hot on their trail, hoping to get his hands on the ultimate secrets.


"Time Bandits" is a true classic that stands firmly against the passage of time. In fact, it compares very favorably to the modern CGI extravaganzas, generally blowing them out of the water with its gritty, low-tech feel. (As far as on-screen portrayals, I'll take the Ancient Greece of "Time Bandits" any day over that in "300".)

"Time Bandits" is a wild absurdist sci-fi comedy that fully brings the feeling of a dream and the true sensibilities of old-school fairy tales to the Big Screen like no movie has ever managed to do. Although ostensibly a movie for kids, the humor, action, and messages are things that adults will be able to enjoy with equal pleasure.

The acting and writing is top-notch, the special effects--although decidedly low-tech--are all very effective, the sets tremendously detailed and they actually manage to convey the feeling of what the historical locales visited in the film were probably like. The twisted presentation of historical figures (like the publicity hound Robin Hood and a Napoleon suffering from the ultimate case of Short Man's Complex) are things that every viewer will get a kick out of, and every viewer will likewise feel Kevin's sorrow and pain when the Time Bandits drag him away from the perfect father--in the form of King Agamemnon in Ancient Greece.

"Time Bandits" is a true cinematic classic. It should be seen by all movie lovers, particularly those who love sci-fi flicks and well-made comedies.

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Cinematic Black History Milestone:First Fusion of Hiphop and Martial Arts

The Last Dragon (1985)
Starring: Tiamak, Vanity, Christopher Murney, Julius Carry, Faith Prince, Mike Starr and Leo O'Brien
Director: Michael Schultz
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Leroy Green (Tiamak), a young martial artist hoping to reach the ultimate level of Kung Fu and spirituality is instructed by his master to seek the mysterious philosopher Sum Dum Goi in New York City's Chinatown. But between the young man and enlightenment stand the vicious Shogun of Harlem, Sho'Nuff (Carry) and a crazed would-be music producer (Murney), and romance with a gorgeous VJ (Vanity).

"The Last Dragon" is a fun fusion of music, Kung Fu and comedy. I had fond memories of watching this film as a kid and, seeing it again, I was surprised at what had remained with me. It wasn't the kooky characters, it wasn't the Chinese Wiggers, it wasn't even the big fight scenes that close out the movie... no, the thing that stuck with me was the dark secret surrounding by Sum Dum Goi.


I'm not sure why that part of the film stuck with me--it's actually a fairly minor element--but maybe I was startled and amazed by the revelation when I was kid, perhaps even as shocked and disappointed as Leroy when he discovers the truth. But, seeing the film as an adult, I immediately saw that the truth about Sum Dum Goi was telegraphed from the first mention of his name.

Although this film is very much a product of its time, I think it's a movie that kids might be able to enjoy today, as well as a film that adults who are young at heart (or who grew up in the 1980s) might be able to have lots of fun with.

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Celebrating 30 Years of Bloodshed:The Best of the Halloween Series

In 1978, the first unstoppable mad slasher of cinema drenched the movie screens with blood. Michael Myers, the silent, white-masked killer who butchered his parents one Halloween night when he was still a small child, and then escaped from an asylum many years later to finish the job on another Halloween night--because he missed his sister the first time around--still stands tallest among his imitators, from Jason Vorhees on down the line.

The original “Halloween” not only opened the floodgates for slasher flicks in the 1980s (and a few of the genre continue to trickle out to this very day), it started the career of suspense film director/writer/musical score composer John Carpenter, the late and very-much-missed producer/writer Deborah Hill, and actress Jamie Lee Curtis.

It's now 30 years since "Halloween" was unleashed upon the public, and that film still stands as one of the best-made and smartest of all slasher flicks, and it still deserves a place on any Top 25 Horror Movies list.

This post offers reviews of the the best films that has Michael Myers slashing his way through the plot. In fact, it covers the only films with the character that are worth seeing. (And, yes, I feel comfortable making an absolute pronouncement, because I fear the god-awful Rob Zombie remake in 2007 killed the franchise once and for all... one year short of this auspicious 30th anniversary. Although, maybe not. The graphic novel "Night Dance" was a spectacular read, so maybe Michael will be back to splash the screen with blood again.)

Halloween (1978)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance
Director: John Carpenter
Rating: 8/10

Michael Myer, who has been confined to a mental institution since committing several brutal murders as a young child, escapes and returns to his hometown to kill his last remaining relative, his sister. While his psychiatrist Dr. Loomis (Pleasance) tries to get the local sheriff to clear the streets of Halloween trick-or-treaters to protect them from a killer who the doctor believes to literally be possessed by evil spirits, Michael is cutting his way through the population of Haddonfield, getting ever closer to his actual goal, his sister, Laurie (Curtis).

"Halloween" was the first of this type of movie--an unspeakably violent, hands-on killer butchers his way through hapless victims until one girl faces him alone--and it still remains the best. The gore may be mild compared to the countless slasher flicks that follow, but the tension and terror flowing from the screen remains unmatched.

All actors featured in “Halloween” turn in great performances, with Curtis’ portrayal of the terror-stricken, yet scrappy, Laurie being particularly impressive. Horror movie veteran Pleasance also turns in a great performance as the stressed-beyond-stressed-out, gun-toting mental health professional bent on stopping a man who is “pure evil” before he murders again. Even the actor playing the masked, silent Michael Myer is wonderful—he has an animal-like way of cocking his head that is very creepy.

Other strong aspects that really make “Halloween” stand out is the camera-work, lighting, and set-dressing. All of these combine to turn typical small-town America into a creepy and threatening environment that is as much a character in the film as the principle actors. Much of the tension that is built in the early parts of the film grows from the curiously unsettling aura throughout the town of Haddonfield.

Finally, the soundtrack score of "Halloween" needs to be singled out for praise. Performed completely on synthesizers by director Carpenter, it stands as not only one of the creepiest horror movie scores but also as one of the best works of electronica ever composed. Plus, no other horror movie has a theme as memorable as "Halloween." (Only "The Exorcist" comes close, and the theme from it wasn't originally composed for the movie.)




Halloween II (1981)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance
Director: Rick Rosenthal
Rating: 7/10

'Halloween II" is a direct sequel to the original movie, picking up pretty much exactly where it left off. After narrowly escaping death at the knife-wielding hands of her insane brother, Laurie is taken to the local hospital while an apparently dead Michael Myers is taken to the morgue in its basement. It quickly becomes apparent that someone was a bit hasty in declaring Myers dead—a natural mistake since Dr. Loomis had shot him six times in the chest--and soon he is stalking through the darkened hospital and sending everyone on the graveyard shift to the graveyard. Maybe Laurie won’t live to see the sun come up on November 1st after all.


The film takes place almost entirely within the Haddonfield hospital. Director Rick Rosenthal. Rosenthal successfully uses the empty, darkened hallways to evoke suspense and horror, and to eventually emphasize the isolation of Laurie as she for the second time in one night is the object of her brother’s murderous intentions.

On the acting front, we’ve got Curtis and Pleasance reprising their roles from the original “Halloween”, and they are just as good as they were before. Curtis once again strikes a perfect balance between strength and terror, and Pleasance once again excels as a man obsessed with putting an end to what he views as evil given form on Earth.

The only weakness that prevents this film from being as good as the original “Halloween” is, curiously, the script. Although Carpenter and Hill wrote both, the story for “Halloween II” never really seems to build up quite the same momentum as the original movie. The middle is actually downright dull at times.

“Halloween II” is still worth watching, but a tighter script would have made it so much better.




Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Starring: Donald Pleasance, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris, and Michael Pataki
Director: Dwight H. Little
Rating: 6/10

Ten years after Michael Myers brought real terror and bloodshed toa Halloween night in the small town of Haddonfield, he escapes while being transferred between two asylums. He returns to his old stalking grounds, but finds that his sister, Laurie is now out of his reach. However, his young niece Jamie (Harris) is not so lucky. Soon, the bodies start to pile up, and Jamie and her teenaged protector (Cornell) may not survive the night, even though Dr. Loomis (Pleasance) is once again stalk Michael as he stalks them.

With “Halloween 4,” Myers joins the ranks (whether he is elevated or if he falls depends on your point of view) of all the other indestructible psycho-killers, since he was burned to a crisp on camera at the end of “Halloween II.” However, Dr. Loomis, is also back (and he didn’t fare much better than Myers in that fire), so he is probably the only slasher-flick hero who is as indestructible as killer himself!

Like “Halloween II” was an inferior film when compared to the original, so is “Halloween 4” weaker than both its predecessors. The greatest flaw is the setting of Haddonfield. Where Carpenter and his crew managed to infuse the town itself with a sense of dreadful anticipation, the director of this film just conveys that it is like any other little town. Because of this, the movie doesn’t seem quite as suspenseful as those that came before. Yes, there are plenty of shocks, and Myers is now conducting himself as we have come to expect from a man in his like of work (like Jason, and Freddy, and dozens and dozens of other cinema maniacs that appeared in the decade since Myer first cocked his head at Laurie Strode), but the same level of tension is never quite reached.

Acting-wise, however, the performances are as good as they were in the first pair of movies. Curtis isn’t in the film—her character reportedly died in a car accident shortly after she gave birth to a daughter—but instead we have Danielle Harris, a very talented child actress playing Jamie, Myers new target. Cornell also puts on a good show as the stubborn teenaged girl trying to keep herself and Jamie alive as Myers is killing people all around them. At first blush, Pleasance’s performance seems to be a bit much, but if one considers that Dr. Loomis has shot Myers in the chest six times, in the face twice, and burned him alive, and still the human monster fails to die, then it would make sense that the character has gone completely nuts. In that light, his performance is perfect.

Like “Halloween II”, this installment suffers from script problems. In this case, the script isn’t ponderous, but instead is burdened with some useless and annoying subplots (such as one involving brave rednecks hopping in their truck to go kick Michael-ass). I suppose the filmmakers sensed the other problem with the film’s storyline—that Myers was starting to no longer be scary. We saw all his tricks in the first two films, and all we had now was the same as before, except he was so monstrous that he would go after a very young child.

This problem with Michael Myers is what let to some truly stupid missteps in the three movies that followed. Someone, somewhere, decided to take Dr. Loomis at his word. Soon, the series was burdened with bizarre Satanic cultists. It's almost a shame that "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers" marks the point at which the series tips over the edge of the abyss and plummets into the Bottomless Depths of Truly Crappy, because it has what I've always thought to be the most striking poster/home-video cover image of the entire series--Michael holding his trademarked butcher knife with the blade fading into an image of a young girl in a harlequin costume. Harris and Cornell are also both back with excellent performances. It’s a shame the overall movie isn’t have been better. (That's the illo at the tip of this post, by the way.)

The final word on “Halloween 4” is that it’s worth seeing if you like your slasher-flicks with some good acting. But you should avoid everything that follows it... with the exception of "Halloween: H20"




Halloween: H20 (1998)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Adam Arkin, Michelle Williams, and LL Cool J
Director: Steve Miner
Rating: 7/10

Keri Tate (Curtis) has spent the past twenty years trying to put a single night horror behind her. Her successful career as an educator has helped, as has the love of her now-teenaged son (Hartnett) and the fact that she faked her death and changed her name when she became pregnant with him. But now, the past is coming back with a vengeance... Keri will no longer be able to deny that she is Laurie Strode. Michael Myers is back, and he still wants her.


"Halloween: H20" is the only entry in the series since "The Return of Michael Myers" that is worth your time. In fact, it's one of the best slasher movies to emerge from the late 1990s when the genre enjoyed a bit of a revival, because it doesn't engage in self-mockery and remains true to the tone and mood of the original "Halloween" films while presenting a slasher story with a slightly different structure than what we're used to.

Like the original "Halloween", the film is a bit slow in its wind-up, but during this first part of the movie, we get to know the characters--the still-emotionally tortured Laurie/Keri, her son, her would-be suitor (Arkin), and likable innocents who are soon to run into the human killing machine that is Michael Myers.

Also like the original "Halloween", this film does not rely on body count and gory, creative butchering of characters. Instead, it relies on the fact that teh audience actually cares about what happens to the characters in the film. With its well-written script, solid cast--Curtis in particular is fabulous as a broken Laurie Strode who suddenly finds the strength to fight not only for herself but for the life of her son--and a highly underrated director at the helm, the audience is drawn into the action and terror as it builds and unfolds.

(I feel Miner is underrated, because this and other horror films he's done shows that he understands that there needs to be a pay-off to any build-up of suspense, and that the key to making a horror movie truly scary is that the characters in the film need to be human and sympathetic. Both of these facts seem to be lost on many modern horror film directors who believe that one fake scare after another and flat characters surrounded by CGI monsters is all that's needed.)

"Halloween: H20" was a great way to celebrate twenty years of Michael Myers striking fear into the hearts of audiences around the world--it almost managed to reach the great heights acheived by Carpenter and Company in the original film. It remains the last worthwhile entry in the series.

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'Three Amigos' is a true comedy classic

Three Amigos! (1986)
Starring: Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Martin Short, Patrice Martinez, Alfonso Arau, and Tony Plano
Director: John Landis
Steve's Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

When three fading stars of the silent picture era (Martin, Chase, and Short) receive a request to travel to a Mexican village in the personas of their most famous characters--western heroes "The Three Amigos"--they jump at the chance. Little do they know that the villagers don't think they're hiring three worn-out hams, but that they believe they're hiring gun-toting heroes that will drive away El Gaupo (Arau) and his gang of banditos who have been terrorizing them.

"Three Amigos!" is a fun romp, with plenty of physical comedy, fun dialogue, and characters that are funny because they are either too natty or simply stupid. The movie occasionally strays a little bit too far into utter silliness, but it is overall well-crafted with some great gags. The plot--shleps who are thrust into positions of great responsibility and danger due to a mistake, rise to become the heroes they were mistaken for--is a well-worn one, but it has rarely been done so well as in "Three Amigos!"

Out of the three stars, it is obvious even here that Martin is the most talented... and almost 20 years later, he's the only who isn't a has-been like the character he portrays in the film. Martin is extremely funny both when doing physical comedy and delivering funny lines. Martin is given a run for his money by Arau and Plano, who are hilarious as the lead bandits, who outshine stars Chase and Short with their comedic exchanges.

"Three Amigos!" is a comedy classic despite its few flaws, so I recommend it highly.





(And happy Cinco de Mayo!)

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