Xtro: The Complete 'Trilogy'

When is a movie trilogy NOT a movie trilogy? When it's the "Xtro" series!

"Xtro" is a series of sci-fi/horror films that are linked only by the presence of killer creatures from other worlds, the same director, and the word "Xtro" in the titles. There are no story links and the killer aliens are vastly different in each film. One really has to wonder why they chose to make the second two films "sequels" to the original; was the title "Xtro" really such a draw in the early 1990s? I understand that the first film achieved some minor legendary status by being included on the British list of "Video Nasties", but was that really enough to drive viewers to sequels made as long as ten years after the original? Especially given how bad the sequels were?


Xtro (1983)
Starring: Bernice Steger, Phillip Seyer, Maryam D'Abo, and Simon Nash
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Three years after being abducted by aliens, Sam (Seyer) returns a very different man, and he passes his gooey, gory alien powers onto his young son (Nash).


When I first saw this movie as a kid, it freaked the heck out of me. The father coming back and spreading alien corruption throughout the household, the way the son was transformed, and the way he in turn went after the horny au-paire (D'Abo)... even the creepy way he made deadly things appear with his mental powers. It all seemed very, very scary.

I suspect someone watching the film with less jaded eyes than mine could still find "Xtro" scary. At this point, I find still find some of the movie quite disturbing--Sam's method of returning to human form was not something I recalled, and it is definitely creepy; the alien egg-laying scene; and the final scene with the mother... well, up to a point with that one--but in general, I now view this film mostly with a sense of frustration because there are two fundamental things that spoil it for me.

First, there's the fact that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to what the characters do, alien or otherwise. In fact, some of the things that happen are pure "Stupid Character Syndrom"--a character does something just to make sure the plot doesn't come to screeching halt, even if a vaguely intelligent person would take any one of numerous different options.

Second, the director and/or scriptwriter simply doesn't know when enough is enough, and this spoils a number of what otherwise would have been excellent, very scary moments. The movie's ending is the ultimate example of this. I won't go into details, because I would spoil it, but suffice to say, the filmmakers ruin a perfectly good ending. If they had been smart, the film would be about 5-10 seconds shorter.

On the upside, we do get to see D'Abo prance around in absolutely nothing, and the acting is uniformly bland (not quite bad... just flat) so no one stands out as good or bad. Gorehounds might also be impressed with a number of scenes in film. The "Return of Sam" scene is a standout in that sense. "Xtro" also features a well-done electronic score, and those are few and far between.

Nonethless, this is a film that clocks in at the low end of average... although I admit my reaction may partially be due to it not living up to my memories of it. (Maybe I'll get the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again. It's the only movie I walked out because it scared me too badly.)


XTRO II: The Second Encounter (1991)
Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, Tara Buckman, and Paul Koslo
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Deep underground, American scientists discover how to open a portal to another world...but, surprise-surprise, something goes wrong and murderous critters come across the dimensional void to run amuk. How will the best-and-brightest of the Mad Science Set stop the invasion and save themselves?!

Picture a bad "Aliens" rip-off and cross it with some of the lamest plot elements of a bad "Stargate SG-1" episode, and you have "XTRO: The Second Encounter."


Not only does this "sequel" have absolutely nothing in common with the first movie--the creatures don't even seem to be related--but it's also devoid of good acting, competent direction, and anything that even approaches originality.

For all its faults, the original XTRO at least delivered some genuine weirdness and horror, and it did so with a certain flair. This "sequel" brings absolutely nothing worthwhile to the table. It is a study in complete mediocrity and unoriginality.


Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1994)
Starring: Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Andrea Lauren Hertz, and Robert Kulp
Director: Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of Marine demolitions experts are sent to a remote, deserted island to disarm explosives left over from WW2. As will happen, something goes wrong and they unleash an alien that has been trapped in a bunker for several decades. Gory mayhem ensues.

I've read in several places that director Harry Bromley Davenport says this is his favorite entry in the "Xtro" series. I can't for the life of me figure out why. As flawed as it was, the original "Xtro" is far more interesting on every level than this one... and far more competently made.

It's actually a shame that "Xtro 3" turned out as a textbook example of what happens when a low-budget film is made with a slip-shod attitude, because there was a lot of potential here.

The setting--a deserted jungle island that once housed interned Japanese and a secret research facility could have been a character unto itself and filled the movie with atmosphere if the cinematography and direction hadn't been as lifeless as an instructional video on how to navigate the Dewey Decimal System. The story of Marines stalked by a murderous alien creature could have been engaging if the script writer had taken time to research actual military protocols and behaviors, had spent some time making the characters interesting and distinct, and bothered to actually bothered to do more than one draft so the dialogue didn't sound like something written for a cheap voice-over of a Japanese sci-fi movie.

And speaking of characters, perhaps if the actors all didn't seem like they had been handed the script pages right before cameras started to roll but instead seemed like they were in character instead of simply delivering the bad lines, the audience could perhaps develop attachment to one or more of them. Although decent acting would not make up for the fact that illogical, plot-dictated behavior governs every action they take, because no one seems to have bothered to think scenes through.

Similarly, if someone had paid attention to costuming and continuity on the production, maybe generous-minded or entertainment-starved viewers would be able to suspend disbelief and engage with the film, despite the incompetent direction and script. However, the appearing and disappearing gear on characters and less effort put into costuming than you might put into getting dressed for lounging around the house on a Saturday when your friends are all out of town, make that impossible.

Finally, although the alien has possibilities to rival the creepy creature of the original "Xtro," it ends up more laughable than scary due to badly executed special effects and the aforementioned illogical, plot-dictated character behavior. Is there anyone reading this who has seen this film who didn't think like I did: "Why run when you can just kick it really hard?"

"Xtro 3" continues the decline of this series into crapitude. The only thing that keeps it from sinking to a Two Rating (and thus earning a place over at Movies You Should [Die Before You] See) is the alien's back story. It's a cool idea... and it's too bad that it is wasted in a movie like this one. (I won't give it away here, because it is one of the few decent story elements in the film.)

If your looking for something to round out a Bad Movie Night line-up, "Xtro 3: Watch the Skies" might be what you're looking for. You might, however, be better off actually watching the skies and identifying shapes in the clouds.







Trivia: Harry Bromley Davenport stated in a 2010 interview that "Xtro 4" was in the works, which he confirmed in March 2011, in this interview. It remains to be seen if he continues to trend of making each installment in the series worse than the one that went before. It's already a given that this film will have no connection to the others, save for the word "Xtro". (And the fact that a fourth Xtro film is in production puts a lie to the claim that this post covers the complete series/trilogy. Although that may be kind of fitting, given how this "series" isn't one.

moreless

'The Big Empty' is an apt title

The Big Empty (2003)
Starring: Jon Favreau, Rachael Leigh Cook, Joey Lauren Adams, Daryl Hannah, John Gries, Adam Beach, Bud Cort, Kelsey Grammer, and Sean Bean
Director: Steve Anderson
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

A struggling actor (Favreau) is promised money to pay off his overwhelming debts if he go to a small town in the Mojave Desert and wait there with a blue suitcase and bowling ball bag until a man called Cowboy (Bean) comes to claim them. As he waits for his contact, he interacts with the odd inhabitants of a small truck stop... and eventually witnesses what may or may not be alien abductions.

"The Big Empty" is a film full of quirky and interesting characters, portrayed by a cast of talented and charismatic actors. It's got lots of great-looking cinematography that takes full advantage of the locations, perfect pacing, and a minimalist score that comes and goes at the absolute right moments.

Among the actors of particular note are Jon Favreau, as the Everyman drawn into a bizarre situation involving murders and space aliens; Daryl Hannah, John Gries, and Adam Beach are funny and at times more than a little sinister as the small-town folk who may have spent a little too much time in the desert sun; Rachael Leigh Cook is perfect as a teenager who may not just seem like she's some sort of alien but who actually might be one; and Kelsey Grammer and Sean Bean cut mysterious figures who may or may not be involved with aliens visiting Earth, if not actual aliens themselves. The interaction between all these characters is fun to watch, the dialogue is sharp and well-crafted, and you will become drawn into the mysterious swirling through the plot: Just what is in the blue suitcase and what exactly has our hero gotten himself involved in?

Unfortunately, for all the great characters, great writing, and great technical achievement that leads up to the climax of the film, writer/director Steve Anderson chooses to provide absolutely no hints whatsoever as to the ultimate point of the story. We are given some clues--the duster-wearing weirdo character played by Sean Bean identifies himself as someone who helps people "move on," the suitcases [because as the film heads to its climax, one suitcase multiplies into a dozen of them] contain "whatever you need"--the number 11 appears over and over--but Anderson chooses to not provide anything substantial to link these elements, and in the end viewers are left more annoyed than intrigued by the film's ending. As the end credits start to roll, the entire movie takes on a feeling so hollow that one wonders whether the title refers to the desert, the frustration of the main character's drab life, or the box holding Anderson's ideas for what his story meant.

And that's a shame, because the sequence in the desert that makes up the movie's climax is one of the weirdest and most fascinating bits of "aliens walk among us" bit of story telling I've ever seen on screen. However, Anderson's unwillingness to provide any sort of real conclusion ends up undermining everything he's created.

In fact, in some ways, the bonus features on the DVD are almost more interesting than the film itself. Anderson's alternative audio track film commentary is fascinating and interesting, both on the film and on the cut scenes among the bonus features. Particularly interesting are the cut scenes that would have made the desert climax less mysterious (so cutting them was the right thing do do), as well as an alternate ending that would have gone a long way to restoring the magic of that desert scene to the film's final moments (and which might even have made the lack of solid meaning more acceptable because it's so abstract. If you have any fascination whatsoever with the process of filmmaking--be it the creative, technical, or business part--this DVD is one that you want to check out, no matter how flawed the main attraction is.

moreless

The Complete Street Fighter

Although the word "ninja" never comes up in the "Street Fighter" series, the character played by Sonny Chiba, in the three movies that collectively make up his most famous effort internationally, sure seems like a ninja to me. So, on this, the final of the Nine Days of the Ninja, I bring you The Complete Street Fighter! Three movies of eye-gouging, penis-ripping glory in which Sonny Chiba takes the ancient art of making goofy faces while doing martial arts to heights that Bruce Lee could only have dreamed of!

If you want to see what REAL martial artists are capable of--what truly talented fighters can do without camera tricks and wire-harnesses--you need to check out these films.


The Street Fighter (1974)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Waichi Yamada, Yutaka Nakajimam, Akira Shioji, and Tony Cetera
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When a gruff, anti-social martial-artist-for-hire (Chiba) turns down a Yakuza contract to kidnap the heiress of an oil-based financial empire (Nakajimam), he discovers they'd rather kill him than risk him revealing their plans. So, he does the only sensible thing a human engine of death and destruction can do: He offers his services in protection of the heiress, and proceeds to tear through her enemies like so much tissue paper. However, a callous act of his past will come back to haunt him, complicating his fight against the foot-soldiers of the international crime cartel.

"The Street Fighter" may be a fairly low-tech and low-budget action film, but it shows that martial arts fights scenes don't need wires and CGI to be exciting... they just need actors who really know their stuff!

When it comes right down to it, the plot in this film is pretty nonsensical and so full of holes that it'll collapse if you try to give it even the slightest thought. But who cares? The fight scenes are extremely cool and horribly violent at times. (Is there any other film where the hero has ripped the gonads off a would-be rapist with his bare hand?)

Interestingly, despite the films title, the main character, martial arts mercenary Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi doesn't seem like much of a street fighter. He seems far more like a ninja, both in how he dresses and how he behaves. This is no more clear than in the film's climax where he singlehanded takes on a floating nest of bad guys on an oil tanker. (I also think that this, more than any other film, must have inspired the notion that the purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. Lord knows Terry does some flipping out AND he kills a ton of people in this movie!)

Although "The Street Fighter" was rated X for its eye-gouging, throat-slitting, and penis-ripping graphic violence back when it was first released in 1974, I really didn't see any violence worse than the average slasher flick or "torture porn" movie that gets R-ratings these days. (And unless the censors were a little more artful with this film than usual, I think I viewed an uncut copy.)

"The Street Fighter" is a movie that fans of martial arts and action films need to see. It's a classic of the genre, weak script aside, its got great fight scenes, great soundtrack music (with a catchy theme)... and Sonny Chiba makes more goofy faces while fighting in this single movie than Bruce Lee did in his entire career!


Return of the Street Fighter (1975)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Masafumi Suzuki, Yôko Ichiji, Masashi Ishibashi, and Hiroshi Tanaka
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) opens a new can of whup-ass when Otaguro (Tanaka), the master of a martial arts school that's serving as a money-laundering front for an international partnership forged by the Mafia and Yakuza, targets the incorruptible martial arts master Masaoka (Ishibashi) for death. But can even Terry's powerful Karate carry the day when female assistant (Suzuki) is plotting with Otaguro, and an old and deadly enemy returns from the grave to confront him?

"Return of the Street Fighter" has fight scenes as great as the ones in the first movie. Some are even better, like the Terry's mountain-top fight against a band of expert martial artists armed with traditional Japanese weapons, or his confrontation and battle with Jonju, whose pulse someone clearly should have thought to take as the end credits rolled on "The Street Fighter". Oh, and while Terry does about the same amount of skull-cracking, bone-breaking and internal organ crushing as in the first film, he doesn't make nearly the same amount of funny faces while doing it. (Those are reserved almost entirely for the climactic battle where Terry takes on a whole building full of gangsters.)

Although the story is full of logical lapses and incomprehensible actions on the part of the characters, the story is a bit stronger, because it draws the lines between the good guys and bad guys a bit more clearly. Terry may be even more amoral and money-grubbing than he was in the first film, as he starts this film in the employ of the gangsters as an assassin. However, his change-of-heart to join the side of the good guys appears to be motivated by a sense of justice... or at least a desire for revenge, because the employers he turns against here make the international gangsters from "The Street Fighter" look like a bunch of Mormon missionaries.

With a slightly stronger storyline, more evil bad guys and lots of cool martial arts scenes (which include a little Wire-Fulooooooong flashbacks that consist of clips taken from "The Street Fighter". Some 10-15 minutes of the film's 83-minute running time is included for no reason other than to make the film longer.

(Interestingly, the filmmakers almost entirely avoided the one bit of recycling I wish they had engaged in--the reusing of the "Street Fighter Theme" from the original film. I think we only hear it once in this film.)

It's a shame the director or producers couldn't be content with a 70 or 75 minute film. Just losing the bulk of the padding would have made this a far superior movie (and would have earned it a 7-rating in my eyes). It's still entertaining, and if you enjoy martial arts films I think you'll get a kick out of Terry Tsurugi second round against international organized crime.


The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (1979)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Reiko Ike, Koji Wada, Tatsuo Endo, Akira Shiojo, Sue Shihomi, and the Voice of George Takai
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Mercenary martial arts expert (read ninja!) Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) is hired by a criminal syndicate to secure the secret formula for a synthetic type of heroin that can be manufactured for virtually nothing. Instead of paying Terry the agreed-upon-sum, the gangster try to cheat and kill him--will they never learn?--which causes Terry to kick much ass and steal part of the formula to hold it until he is paid. When a corrupt district attorney (Wada) and an exceptionally slutty vamp (Ike) get in on the action, even more ass is kicked, and much crossing and double-crossing takes place. Will Terry EVER get paid?!

"The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is the second and final sequel to "Street Fighter". It has a few improvements over "Return of the Street Fighter", but, overall, it's another step downward quality-wise.

On the upside, the film is as fast-paced as the original "Street Fighter", perhaps even moreso, because it is virtually padding-free. There are no long, nearly pointless sequences of students practicing martial arts (as we had in the original film) nor are there reels worth of repeated footage (as we had in "Return of the Street Fighter"). In fact, there is hardly a quiet moment in the entire film--even a semi-romantic/comic interlude ends up presenting some action.

On the downside, the film has a rushed quality to it. The foley work is downright pathetic, with the same sound being used for a ribcage being crushed as for a punch in the face, and the same same gun sound for a shotgun or a revolver. The fight scenes are not nearly as impressive or well-choreographed as in the first two films, and there is more one instance where even the camera placement is off to the point where it's evident that blows aren't actually connecting.

Even more disappointing is the change that has been made to the character of Terry Tsurugi; in this film, his in-your-face brutality has been dialed back a couple of notches and his apartment has sprouted secret compartments and he has developed disguise skills that rivals those of the agents from "Mission Impossible". He's even making fewer funny faces while channeling his chi and breaking people's bones. (He still has his moments of extreme brutality, such as when he tosses a foe into an oven in a crematorium and turns on the fire, but, overall, he comes across as if he was James Bond with a smaller operating budget and no social graces.)

For the dubbed English language version, there are the additional problems of what I am certain amounts to bad translations that end up making it hard to identify who the various factions in the film are, the fact that most of the voice actors are so bad that shouldn't even be allowed to do computer game voices, and that it's very distracting to hear George Takai doing one of the film's villains. Someone with such a distinctive voice shouldn't really be doing live-action dubbing once their face is famous.

Although fast-paced and entertaining, "The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is a disappointing close to the series. While the finale of the film involves an explosion, it still closes the book on the Street Fighter not with a bang but with a whimper. (Come to think of it, even Terry's final lines have a bit of a whiny, whimpering quality to them. Of course, if I was looking at the terrible sight he was gazing upon, I'd feel a bit whiny too.)

Click here for information

moreless

In observance of Guy Fawkes Night...

V for Vendetta (2006)
Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea, and John Hurt
Director: James McTeigue
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

In the chaotic world of the near future, Great Britain is ruled by a facist government led by the charismatic Adam Sutler (Hurt). Sutler's government controls everything from top to bottom--the schools, all media outlets, the police, everything--but when a radical, flamboyant terrorist known only as "V" (Weaving) starts a one-man war against the government, Sutler senses the danger and unleashes the might of the government against him. But "V" outsmarts the authorities at every turn, including the loyal civil servant Chief Inspector Finch (Rea). But as Finch investigates "V", he uncovers such dire implications about his government that he finds himself wondering if "V" may not be in the right.

When this film was first released, I saw many people refer to it as an instant classic. I didn't believe that to be the case then--even setting aside the fundamental stupidity of the statement--and I believe it even less now. The movie adaptation has the same problem the graphic novel upon which it is based had... too much of both are ham-fisted screeds against political trends of the moment (the graphic novel railed in a nearly hysterical fashion against British politics of the 1980s, and the movie goes out of its way to take juvenile and simpleminded jabs at American politics of the early 2000s) with too little timeless commentaries on the issues of government vs. personal freedoms and what is right and wrong in politics and society.

(That said, the world of the movie does feel as if it's a tiny bit closer now, at least as far as the absolutely worthless media goes, especially here in the United States. Never have so many journalists been so eager to do the bidding of the politicians.)

Having recently "V for Vendetta", though, I remain confused about why Alan Moore (the writer of the graphic novel) hated it so much. The film captured the essense of the original book just fine. Is it because the filmmakers fleshed out the character of Evey (Portman) with a somewhat overly melodramatic backstory? Is it because the movie was so faithful to the core of the graphic novel that they turned out an adaptation as dated as the original book is, thus showing that the Emperor wasn't wearing much in the way clothing? (Don't get me wrong... "V for Vendetta" is well-written, and I enjoyed reading it, but it's no different than the "Captain Marvel Jr." comics of the 1940s as far as the relevance it's going to have to future readers. Heck, it might even have less, because David Lloyd is no Mac Raboy.)

At any rate, the film features some nice performances--Portman and Rea are particularly excellent in their parts--and its few action scenes are well done as well. Unfortunately, the film exposes a difficulty in translating a comic book character to the screen... what looks cool on a printed page can come across as lifeless or silly when its set in motion. This is the case with "V", the vengeful terrorist at the center of the story. The Guy Fawkes mask and pilgrim get-up was spooky in the comic, but it borders on goofy here.

This isn't a bad film, but it's going to be embarrasingly dated in just a few years. (Come to think of it, the movie will be even more dated than the graphic novel because it's even more ham-fisted and simpleminded in its criticism of increasingly distant blip in history.)

moreless

'Cyber Ninja' has it all except the kitchen sink

Cyber Ninja (1988)
Starring: Hanbei Kawai, Hiroki Ida, Shôhei Yamamoto, Eri Morishita, Makoto Yokoyama, and Masaaki Emori
Director: Keita Amemiya
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

In the far future, the Suwabeh Clan is locked in a final desperate battle against a society of techno-demons who are turning human warriors into cybernetic ninjas while preparing for when the Stars Are Right to unleash their demon god upon the world. At the eleventh hour, they receive surprise assistance from one of the cyber ninjas, who is on a quest to reunite his soul with his body.

"Cyber Ninja" is probably some sort of mile stone in cross-genre craziness. The film covers the fantasy aspect with sorcery and echoes of ancient Japan feudal culture with its princesses, house retainers, ninja, ronin, and samurai, and it hits the sci-fi genre with giant battle-mechs--that mirror the fantasy aspect by looking like pagodas--and armies of robot ninja vs. cybernetically enhanced samurai, and it brings in horror with some fairly dastardly demons and the uber-demon they are about to summon to ravish the world.

Unfortunately, it's not an achievement in story-telling, and all those various elements just sort of swirl around and bump into each other in a chaotic mess that makes very little sense. However, I think this is one of those movies that 10 year old boys will get a huge kick out of. They will be so enamoured with the robot ninjas, waving swords and giant battle-mechs they won't notice the complete lack of logic to much of the activities by both the good guys and the bad guys, nor will they notice that the battle-mechs look more like a row of outhouses than the mechanized castles they're supposed to be. Kids might not even notice how absolutely rediculous some of the voice acting in the dubbed version is. (The Dark Bishop would have been laughed out of Evil College with a voice like that.)

Trivia: Director/co-writer Keita Amemiya created several genre-mixing movies and anime series during the 1980s and 1990s, the most famous of them being the "Zeram" movies and cartoons. He was also the main creative force behind the sci-fi/fantasy film hybrid "Moon Over Tao".

The deadliest of blogathons....

moreless

Don Knotts plays a real space case

The Reluctant Astronaut (1967)
Starring: Don Knotts, Leslie Nielsen, Arthur O'Connell, Jesse White, and Joan Freeman
Director: Edward Montagne
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A small-town carnival kiddy-ride operator (Knotts) is thrust into local fame when his pushy father (O'Connell) submits an application on his behalf to NASA... and the application is accepted.

This film is something of a nerd fantasy. Knotts plays a kindhearted loser of limited talent and ambition (but with plenty of dreams) for whom everything works out in the end. There really isn't much else to this movie, other than the fact that it features a decent cast that all get their individual funny moments.

While I remained mildly entertained throughout the film, I think this is a movie that time has left behind; I suspect it would have seemed a lot funnier in 1967, at the height of space-program mania. (The film is an interesting historical artifact in another way: Leslie Nielsen is featured here as a sqaure-jawed, handsome straight man. It's often forgotten that his career took a hard turn into comedy in the mid-Seventies, and that he actually started out as a dramatic actor.)

moreless

Helen of Troy causes more trouble in 'Lion of Thebes'

Lion of Thebes (1964)
Starring: Yvonne Furneaux, Mark Forest, Rosalba Neri, Massimo Serato, Pierre Cressoy, and Alberto Lupo
Director: Giorgio Ferroni
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Helen, Queen of Sparta, and the lust-object by just about every male character to ever be mentioned in the Illiad and the Odyssey (Forneaux), escapes the fall of Troy with her faithful bodyguard Aryan (Forest) to safety in the Egyptian city of Thebes. But succor is not to be found, as Pharaoh Rameses (Cressoy) is dazzled by her great beauty and wants to make her his queen.

"Lion of Thebes" is one of the better examples of the "epic" boom of the Italian film industry in the 1960s. With excellent costumes, great sets, attractive cast, and a better-than-average script, it's a film that should be on the "must-see" list for anyone who likes low-fantasy movies.

The scenes with Menelaus (Alberto Lupo), Helen's one-time husband, are priceless, by the way. His "what trouble is that skank causing now?" respoonse to Aryan when he seeks him out for help are among the best moments of the film.

The biggest weaknesses of the film is that its a bit slow in getting in going, the director and/or cinematographer had no clue how to shoot the obligatory goofy dance performance at the obligatory feast of honor--we're treated to lots of views of the backs of the audiences' heads, as if a proud parent with no clue how to run a camcorder was filming their daughter's dance recital--and that once again we have a movie where a supporting actress is actually more beautiful than the one playing the legendary Helen of Troy. (Not that I wouldn't mind sharing a bed with 1960s-era Yvonne Furneaux, but I wouldn't have kicked Rosalba Neri out of it for her.)

moreless

'A Fistful of Talons' equals karate nonsense

A Fistful of Talons (1983)
Starring: Billy Chong, Ying Bai, Hilda Liu and Feng Tien
Director: Chung Sun
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

An obnoxious young martial artist who enjoys tormenting Manchurians in the decade following the fall of the Ching Dynasty (Chong) becomes intrigued by a mysterious traveler (Bai) and decides to follow him. Along the way, he becomes engaged to and skips out on a young woman who raises eagles as a hobby (Liu), and becomes embroiled in a plot to restore the Ching Emperor to power.


"A Fistful of Talons" is a movie rushes headlong from fight scene to fight scene, hardly ever taking a break from slap-stick flavored confrontations to life-or-death battles with the future of China at stake. It's a film that I found surprisingly entertaining, given that I found the "hero" to be an obnoxious git.

This is a film that has all the strengths and weaknesses of the best Chinese martial arts movies from the late 1970s and early 1980s. On the plus side, the fights are peformed by real acrobats and martial artists with little or no use of wires and trick photography. On the downside, the film is a little incoherent in the area of plot, and, like so many other Chinese action movies of this period, it ends literally when the hero strikes the killing blow against the main villain. And if there ever was a movie that needed a denoument, this is the one.

Did Jerk Boy and the girl he promised to marry resolve their differences (and get married)? What happened with the Seal of the Emperor, a major maguffin throughout the film? Did Jerk Boy become a more serious participant in the Republician effort, or did he stick with harrassing random Manchurians? Moreso than in any other early 1980s martial arts film, I was left after the obligatory still-frame and "The End" title card wanting to know how the story ended. I wanted to know the answer to those questions and others. Because of that, the film teeters on the brink of a 7 rating, as it clearly drew me in, despite my dislike of the "hero". But because I don't get that ending, I'm keeping my rating on the low side.





If you like martial arts movies, be sure come back in November for Nine Days of the Ninja.

moreless

'The Bloody Judge': Jess Franco's Best?

The Bloody Judge (aka "Throne of Blood", "Throne of the Blood Monster", "The Witch's Trial" and "Witch-killer of Broadmoor) (1970)
Starring: Christopher Lee, Leo Genn, Maria Rohm, Margaret Lee, Hans Hass, and Milo Quesada
Director: Jess Franco
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A hypocritical judge (Lee) illustrates why a little rebellion among the peasantry can be a good thing every now and then.

Loosely based on the final months of notorious and controversial historical 17th century British hanging judge George Jeffries, this film is probably the best work I've seen from Spanish director Jess Franco. The plot is coherent and engaging, the camerawork and sets are fairly decent, and there's actually a few well-staged action scenes. To top it off, the characters are even interesting... as repulsive as Jeffries comes across, he is emerges as a fascinating character... and Maria Rohm's pure-hearted peasant girl (who is forced to have sex with the vile Jeffries in exchange for her sister's life) is a character that the viewer can feel real pity for.

Unfortunately, the film also has all the hallmarks of some of other Franco's pictures, such as unnecessary torture scenes and nudity and just general crap thrown in to guarantee an R-rating at the very least. (Franco must have been the role-model for the fools who were in charge of "Snakes on a Plane" as far as that approach goes.)

Interestingly, this film would have been stronger if a scene that apparently was only included in the German-language version of the movie had been in all the edits. Although repulsive for some of its sexual/torture content, it does make some later part of the film seem a little less unmotivated plot-development wise.

This "lost" scene and other bonus material included on the "Blue Underground" DVD release of the picture actually makes up a very worthwhile package for fans and scholars of "exploitation cinema" and other B-movies. It's material that gives excellent insight into rare insight into the production and marketing processes that went into these multi-national European productions of the 1960s and 1970s. (Yeah, the liner notes are a little ridiculous--the reviewer who wrote them seems to hold Franco's body of work in much higher regard that a sane person should--and the interview with Christopher Lee makes him seem like a pompous ass, but it's all very interesting.)




For more reviews of movies with Christopher Lee, visit Movies You Should (Die Before You) See, Terror Titans, and Watching the Detectives.

moreless

'The Big Picture' is far from perfect

The Big Picture (1989)
Starring: Kevin Bacon, Emily Longstreth, J.T. Walsh, Michael McKean, and Jennifer Jason Leigh
Director: Christopher Guest
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When film-student Nick Chapman (Bacon) wins a prestigious award and is immediately given a movie to direct by a studio executive (Walsh), he thinks his career is rocketing along. But, after selling out with lightning speed, he discovers how fickle and phony the business and people in the movie industry are.


Although the story of "The Big Picture" is one that's been told a hundred times over, it's retold here with great charm, humor, and a cast where every actor is excellent and at the top of his or her game. (Kevin Bacon, J.T. Walsh, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Micheal McKean are particularly good in this film. Leigh truly rocks as a kooky artist.)

Unfortunately, the first act of the movie really drags for me, partly because it consists almost entirely of scenes featuring people being awkward or indifferent, but mostly Nick is such a dunderhead. Basically, in the first case, the director is trying to show us that Nick is about of his element, and that he is feeling starstruck and awkward, but it's done too many times and it feels over done. Maybe that's because I've been on both ends of that situation--the one feeling awkward and star-struck AND being the person who had to suffer through encounters with the awkward and star-struck that I feel this way. Plus it annoyed me throws his friends and fiance overboard for one film deal and a slutty B-actress. I felt like Nick's film school nemesis deserved more success, because he was a self-absorbed prick from the beginning, while Nick turns into one almost overnight. I initially found it impossible to root for Nick, and I found him too repulsive to be funny.

Things get better as the film goes on--once Nick gets kicked in the teeth by the soulless and fickle Hollywood Movie Machine and then later inadvertently turns it to his advantage--but that first act was so hard to get through that it really dragged the whole movie down.

Although I've had very few dealings with the real-life people being mocked in this film, I suspect there is much truth in what is portrayed. It certainly explains how some of the crap I watch and review gets made. It's a fun movie, but I would have enjoyed it more if the first act had been stronger. (Or maybe weaker? Perhaps the actors were TOO good during that part of the movie?)

moreless

'Dan Candy's Law' is a different western

Dan Candy's Law (aka "Alien Thunder") (1973)
Starring: Donald Sutherland, Kevin McCarthy, Jean Duceppe, John Boylan, Chief Dan George, Gordon Tootoosis, and Francine Racette
Director: Claude Fournier
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A Canadian Mountie's obsession with hunting down and bringing to trail a Cree Indian (Tootosis) who killed his friend and colleague (McCarthy) ends up triggering a confrontation between rebellious Native Americans and the Canadian army. Will Dan Candy (Sutherland) get his man, and at what cost?

"Dan Candy's Law" is a quiet, almost gentile movie--despite the cussing, gunplay and ultimately cannon fire--that is through-and-through Canadian western. Instead of the scorching heat of a desert southwest, we have the chilly windswept northwestern plains of Canada. Instead of a shoot-from-the-hip renegade vigilante sheriff, we have a tall-tale-telling Mountie who, even while disobeying orders from his superior, is trying to uphold the law and to bring a fugitive murderer to justice before a court.

Based on a true story of a NWMP officer Dan Candy who spent a year tracking a Cree Indian who stole government cattle and killed a police officer while escaping custody, the film is sympathetic to both the police officers and white settlers and the Native Americans who have been displaced. It's a film that's probably a lot closer to reality than most westerns that are made, even to the point of the way it unfolds slowly and quietly, except for moments of chaos and violence.

Donald Sutherland is particularly excellent in the film, and his character is a fascinating one, particularly for a western. More often than not, movies center on vigilantes who are out for revenge more than anything else, but the anger of his friend's murder subsides, Candy returns to being a true professional who stands for law and order on the frontier. Up to the very end, he is dedicated to bringing in his suspect alive, if possible.

If you enjoy the western genre, "Dan Candy's Law" might be a nice change of pace for you.

moreless

Pects vs Persians

Devil of the Desert Against the Sons of Hercules (aka "Anthar the Invincible", "Soraya, Queen of the Desert" and "The Slave Merchants") (1962)
Starring: Kirk Morris, Mario Feliciani, Michèle Girardon, Roberto Dell'Acqua, José Jaspe, and Renato Baldini
Director: Anthony Dawson (aka
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

After a princess (Girardon) is driven from her palace when an evil warlord (Felicianii) conquers her city and sold into slavery, the wandering hero Anthar (Morris) and his boy sidekick (Dell'Acqua) set out to rescue her and restore her to her throne.

"Devil of the Desert Against the Son of Hercules") is a TV edit or an Italian fantasy movie originally titled "Anthar the Invicible" that's set in pre-Islamic Persia. It features gorgeous costumes and sets, a decent storyline (if you're into this sort of thing), and a rousing musical score. The mirror maze where the main bad guy likes to dispose people who annoy him is also very cool.

The only real flaw the film has is that it's a bit slow in getting under way, and there are a couple of times where the story doesn't grind to a halt because of convenient idiocy on the part of the bad guys. (There's a bridge across a chasm that provides easy access to a camp, but the guard is posted underneath it instead of at one of its ends. Huh?)

moreless

Looking, but not finding, comedy anywhere

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World (2005)
Starring: Albert Brooks, Sheetal Sheth, and John Carroll Lynch
Director: Albert Brooks
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When comedian Albert Brooks (Brooks) is sent to India and Pakistan to compile a report for the United States government on what makes Muslims laugh, he finds the task more difficult than he imagined.


To say that "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World" is mild-mannered is an understatement. The movie is so polite and respectable, its voice so soft, that the audience has a hard time figuring out what exactly it's trying to say. Is it a film about a man who is too wrapped up in himself to see that he misses many examples of comedy and what amuses Muslims (and Hindi, since Brooks spends most of his time in Hindu-dominated parts of India)? Is it a film about the ineffectiveness of political bodies to truly deal with the human element (which the film shows all sorts of examples of)? Is it just a string of mildly amusing skits that aren't supposed to be anything else but mildly amusing (something the film also has plenty of examples of)? Is it supposed to be about differing cultures failing to intersect (something the film also provides multiple examples of)?

Frankly, I'm not sure, but I do know that the post-script was the only thing I actually laughed at. I spent most of the rest of the film feeling embarrassed on behalf of Brooks (the character, not the actor) and thinking about how if the film didn't feature the very attractive Sheth as Brook's local ever-cheerful assistant, I probably wouldn't have stuck with this film.

It's not that it's a bad movie, and I really wanted to like it more than I did. Every actor featured does a good job, and every character that appears is perfectly believable--perhaps a little too believable, because watching this film isn't that different from every day life. In other words, "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World" is so blandly polite that it's no different than what you'd probably experience if you were to head down to the local shopping mall and spend an afternoon people-watching. Worse, it's probably not all that different from just another day at the office. (Well, except for the hashish smoking, AK47-toting Pakistani wanna-be comedians.)

moreless

'Hercules' saves Western Civilization!

Hercules Against the Mongols (aka "Maciste Against the Mongols") (1964)
Starring: Mark Forest, Ken Clark, Howard Ross, Nadir Moretti, Jose Greci, and Maria Gracia Spina
Director: Domenico Paolella
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Following the death of their father, Genghis Khan, the evil Sayan (Clark), Susdal (Ross), and Kin Khan (Moretti) violate the peace treaties he had brokered with the Western Christians and return the Mongol hordes to the of conquest. Standing in their way, however, is the wandering hero Maciste. Witness what happens when the unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.


"Hercules Against the Mongols" is another one of those Hercules movies that isn't really about Hercules. The first hint is that it takes place in 13th century eastern Europe, and the second hint is that there's no reference to Greece and Greek gods at all. The film is actually one of the many movies about the Italian hero Maciste, but, for whatever reason, any of these Italian sword-and-sorcery flicks from the 1960s had to be about Hercules when they were imported into the United States and dubbed into English.

As far as this sort of fare goes, this film comes is about average. The bad guys are intereting--with Ken Clark being particularly fun as a Fu Manchu-mustachioed creep so untrustworthy he'd probably betray himself if he thought he could get away with it--the costumes and sets are pretty good, and the script moves along at a nice pace.

On the downside, the actors who did the English dubbing are universally awful, and I don't think I've ever before seen this many Caucasian actors trying to pass for Asians in a single movie. There's also the character of Maciste/Hercules. He doesn't have one-tenth the charisma of the charisma as villanious opponents, partly because he doesn't do anything particularly interesting for most of the film--he's heroic but unremarkable-- and partly because Mark Forest never rises above the level of a generic stongman.

moreless

The film of choice for a drug intervention

Zardoz (1974)
Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sarah Kestleton and John Alderton
Director: John Boorman
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

In the distant future,the intellectually curious (yet violent) barbarian Zed (Connery) hides in the floating head of his tribe's god Zardoz and ends up being brought to a Utopian land of immortals who have developed telepathy but lost all passion for life. Here, he may become their salvation or their destruction... or perhaps even both.


If you have a friend or family member you want to convince to stop drinking or using drugs, do this:

1. Get a copy of Zardoz.

2. Get a copy of "The Russia House" or "Hunt for Red October" or "Goldfinger", whichever Sean Connory-starring film they are most likely to want to watch.

3. Put the copy of "Zardoz" in the other movie's box.

4. Next time the friend or family member is blitzed, sit down to watch the movie with them. Show them the box when they ask "what is this shit?" or "why is James Bond wearing pirate boots and a diaper?" or "why is that giant floating head vomiting guns and shouting about penises?" or "why are those old people doing ballroom dancing?" or "why is James Bond pulling Clay Aiken in a rickshaw while wearing nothing but red man-panties?" and say you don't know what they're talking about and make comments as if you're watching the movie the box belongs to.


5. When they stumble off or pass out, switch "Zardoz" for the real movie. Return "Zardoz" to the rental place or destroy it.

6. When your momentarily sober friend or loved one next asks about that weird movie they half-remember from the night before, insist that it doesn't exist. Put the movie that belongs in case in the player and show them what they watched.

7. The fact that they hallucinated something as unbelievably strange as "Zardoz" will scare them straight right then and there. They will be BEGGING you to enroll them in a detox program and they will never touch drugs or booze ever again. Guaranteed.


"Zardoz" is a beautifully filmed sci-fi movie that is so desperate to offer intellectually deep social commentary that it ends up coming across like a boorish grad student at a party trying to convince you of how smart he is. There are some interesting points raised about human nature and civilization, but they are presented so heavy-handedly and in such a trippy environment that you won't really be able to pay attention to them; you'll be too busy wondering how ANYONE thought this movie was a good idea, and, more specifically, how ANYONE thought featuring Sean Connery in pirate boots and a diaper was a good idea (including Sean Connery... he must have been really desperate for a paycheck in those initial post-Bond years).

Aside from curing drug addicts and alcoholics, "Zardoz" might bring a dose of startling weirdness to a Bad Movie Nite. It's not a very good movie, but there's enough here to make it worth watching if you're in the right frame of mind. It's a botched sci-fi film that exists at the crossroads between "Brave New World" and "Road Warrior" and "2001" and "Slipstream", but that crossroads is also home to a pseudo-intellectual swamp haunted by giant floating heads and patrolled by a gun-toting Sean Connery in a red diaper!

moreless

'Shoot or Be Shot' is comedic near-miss

Shoot or Be Shot (aka "Shooting Stars") (2002)
Starring: William Shatner, Harry Hamlin, Julianne Christie, and Scott Rinker
Director: J. Randall Argue
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

An escaped lunatic (Shatner) holds a film crew hostage to force them to make his screen play. Meanwhile, love blooms between the creatively lazy diretor (Rinker) and his leading lady who, to show she can do something other than low-budget crap, has taken on a new identity... and is an actress pretending to be a struggling actress (Christie).


"Shoot or Be Shot" is a fairly predictable and thoroughly unbelievable movie populated by stereotypes belonging to the bottom rung of Hollywood's film business--the low-budget outfits that have been the source of the vast majority of the film's reviewed on this very page. Despite the lack of surprises, the film offers up a large amount of laughs, and William Shatner is lots of fun as he cuts completely loose as a technical writer who snapped after writing one VCR instruction manual too many and who now has turned to screen writing. (It's even funnier that his character is probably the only one in the whole film who has any real talent.)

Speaking of talent, there seems to be a bare minimum of it coming into play in this film. The script has some great jokes and Shatner is riot... and these elements by themselves keep this film slipping below the high end of average. Most of the featured actors give weak performances, and the director was unable to keep the reality of the film he created intact by engaging in the sort of sloppiness that should have gone out with the 1970s and which indicates that J. Randall Argue was almsot as lazy as the fictional director in the film. Of course, it's possible that "Shoot or Be Shot" was trying to be self-ironic, but I doubt it, because nowhere else in the film is there a sense that it is. (I can't go into details without revealing the ending--although any attentive viewer guess it well before the filmmakers reach it--but suffice to say that the movie that supposdely results from the tribulations of the film crew isn't one that anyone could possibly have shot.)

With just a little more effort, this could have been a good movie instead of mediocre one.

moreless

Talent show final may turn out to be a bomb

American Dreamz (2006)
Starring: Hugh Grant, Sam Golzari, Dennis Quaid, Mandy Moore, Tony Yalda, Willem DeFoe, and Chris Klein
Director: Paul Weitz
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Hit talent-show 'American Dreamz' builds toward its greatest season finale ever, as a blond-haired, cute Mid-western pop-singer (Moore) squares off against a musical loving Iraqi immigrant (Golzari) in a contest that will be judged not only by regular show-host Martin Tweed (Grant), but also by the President of the United States (Quaid). Nothing is as it seems, however, as the president is growing disinterested in the superficiality of American culture and instead wants to focus on real solutions, "America's sweetheart" is actually a sociopathic bitch, and the Iraqi immigrant is a wash-out from an al-Qaeda training camp who is being forced into becoming a suicide bomber in order to assassinate the president.


"American Dreamz" is part political satire, part lampoon of American culture (as well as a lampoon of Muslim militants). When it works, it presents likeable characters who the audience is almost immediately invested, and who are very, very funny; this goes even for the "bad guys." When it's not coming together, we're forced to sit through dull stretches of film featuring unlikable characters that aren't funny at all... pathetic and reprehensible, but not at all entertaining to watch.

The storylines with President Stanton, his wife and his Chief of Staff, the storyline with Iraqi Omer, his American relatives, and the al-Qaeda sleeper-cell... both these storylines are VERY funny, and in both cases the audience finds itself rooting for Stanton and Omer to stand by what they know if right, and to reject the destructive, self-centered hypocrites who are trying to manipulate them for their own ends. These are both storylines that will piss off extremists at both ends of the political spectrum, and it is a joy to watch them unfold and ultimately intersect.

Unfortunately, the hilarity of the Stanton and Omer storylines are counterbalanced by the dreary plotline involving show host Martin Tweed and a run-of-the-mill, self-absorbed, wanna-be starlet, Sally Kendoo. Both these characters are typical Hollywood stereotypes, and they have nothing to offer beyond that. There is nothing likeable about either character--other than perhaps both characters realize they are despicable and that they're okay with that and can even bond with each other over that fact--and there's nothing for the audience to latch onto and care about with them.

If there had been a little less Martin Tweed/Sally Kendoo, it would have been a far stronger film. Both characters are essential to the over all point of the movie--and one can't have an "American Idol" spoof without a Simon Cowell-type character--but a reduced presence would have been preferable.

Despite my dislike of certain aspects of the script and the characters presented, everyone in the cast did a decent job. Golzari and Quaid definitely stole the movie from everyone else, however. Not only did they have the best lines and scenes, but each actor played his character with great humor and charm.

Although not a perfect movie, it's better than other films that attempted to present similar material and messages, such as "Man of the Year" (which fails due to a weak script and bad casting) and "Silver City" (which was just plain bad). I particularly liked the upbeat finish to the film... it's "Hollywood Ending" for all the players was refreshing on one level, while serving as a spoof on the spoof on another. It was a very amusing close to a mostly amusing film.

moreless

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Stay thirsty, my friends, with this review of a western featuring two Spanish Ladies who will undoubtedly be the subjects of future "Tectonic Tuesday" case studies.

Bandidas (2006)
Starring: Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Steve Zahn, Dwight Yoakam, Sam Shepard, José María Negri, Denis Arndt, and Audra Blaser
Directors: Joachim Roenning and Espen Sandberg
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Two young Mexican women from wildly different backgrounds--one is a wealthy, European educated sophisticate (Hayek) and the other is a rough-and-tumble farm girl (Cruz)--team up with an American criminologist (Zahn) to stop a rogue agent of a major American bank (Yoakam) from driving poor famers from their land to make way for the railroad.


"Bandidas" is an action/comedy heist movie set in the late 1800s. It's about as predictable as it could possible be (with one tiny little twist toward the end that I didn't see coming), but it is so breezy and fun, and its two very attractive leads are so charming and sexy that it really doesn't matter. Penelope Cruz's performances is especially fun, and Salma Hayek's cleavage is always a welcome sight.

This is probably one of the better, completely forgettable eye-candy movies I've seen. It was a fun way to spend an hour-and-a-half, and I'm surprised this movie never saw a wide North American release; it's got some plot elements that could be construed as anti-American, but it's far better than some of blatantly political and America-hating crap that was in movie theaters around the time it was made. (Or maybe that's why it didn't see wider release. It wasn't anti-American enough.)

If you like light-hearted westerns that feature explosions, train robberies, and darkhaired beauties in cleavage-revealing tops, this is a film that's worth a look.

moreless

The Complete Adventures of Agent 00

Here are two of the oddest film to ever be exported from the Phillipines, "For Your Height Only" and "The Impossible Kid." They chronicle the daring exploits of the shortest spy to ever menace the Forces of Evil, Weng Weng, and they are worthy candidates for any Bad Movie Night line-up (or any film festival organized to spotlight Greatest Movies Starring Midgets).



For Your Height Only (aka "For Y'ur Height Only") (1980)
Starring: Weng Weng and Beth Sandoval
Director: Eddie Nicart
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When the odds of success appear insurmountable, the Phillipine Secret Agency calls upon their smallest operative--Weng Weng, a three-foot-tall midget codenamed Agent 00 (Weng). But can even Agent 00 rescue an American scientist before the mysterious criminal mastermind Mister Giant forces a kidnapped American scientist to build him a deadly N-bomb? And, more importantly, will the swingin' Weng Weng nail his beautiful collegue, Irma (Sandoval).


"For Your Height Only" is a bizarre, low-budget James Bond spoof that features a tiny midget as the superspy... and he's every bit the lover and fighter that James Bond or Derek Flint are. While that in-and-of-itself is pretty funny, the movie is made all the more hilarious by the obvious budget constraints that result in Mister Giant's enforcers driving around in a VW Bug and Weng Weng's spy gadgets looking like they were made in someone's garage. (The gadgets themselves are hilarious as well, particularly the flying, remote controlled hat with the metal brim.)

Much humor also arises from the way Weng Weng's fantastic track record with the women. His lines may need work, but he's got some sort of magic, because chicks seem to fall into bed with him with very little effort on his part. Maybe, as Irma says at one point, it's because he's "petite, like a potato."

And the potato line is a prime example of another part of this film's hilarity. There is literally not a scene that goes by where a character doesn't utter a nonsense line like that, or some bizarre nonsequitor that will have you wondering if you heard right. (Believe me, you will have heard right.)

As this movie is dubbed from Tagalong into English, I don't know if the dialogue was as crazy in the original version, but it sure is wonderously wacky here. The voice actors are also extremely funny... the Phillipine gangsters have a variety of New York accents, and one sounds like Humphrey Bogard imitating James Cagney doing a spoof of a stereotypical 1920s gangboss. While part of the hilarity of that character comes from the dialogue, most of it comes from the irratic Humphry Bogard impersonation.

The many fight scenes in this film are also hilarious, partly due to their inept staging, but primarly due to do Weng Weng's signature move. He always leads with a cockpunch or a kick to the groin of his foes... and sometimes he stomps on the balls of an already defeated bad guy just for good measure. (And from the "I'm laughing but I shouldn't" department, he often utters a maniacal giggle after killing an enemy, especially if death was initiated with a cockpunch. He's a twisted little freak that Weng Weng.)

Aside from the fact that it features a midget superspy who gets laid more than John Shaft, "For Your Height Only" is remarkable for its soundtrack. I have no idea what the Tagalong theme song is about, but the incidental music echoes both the "James Bond Theme" and the theme song from "For Your Eyes Only" with great effect.

On the downside, this film offers too much of a good thing. Weng Weng's cockpunching gets a bit tiresome after his third run-in with Mister Giant's generic thugs (although things do start to pick up again when he invades the house where everyone is waving swords around for some reason), and as funny as the music is, it too gets old because it seems like only 5-10 minutes of it was written, so we hear the same tune over and over again as the film unfolds.

Still, despite its weaknesses, for "Your Height Only" will enliven any Bad Move Night. In fact, the merrifment that this movie will cause among the viewers might be so extreme that the repetitious parts won't even be noticed, because you will all be too busy trying to catch your breath and wiping tears of laughter from your eyes.




The Impossible Kid (1982)
Starring: Weng Weng, Romy Diaz, Tony Carreon, Ben Johnson, and Lili Vasquez
Director: Eddie Nicaz
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

When an international terrorist group targets leading Phillipineo industrialists for blackmail and murder, Interpol's smallest operative--the three-foot tall Agent 00 (Weng)--takes on his biggest case.

"The Impossible Kid" is the sequel to "For Your Height Only," a James Bond spoof where the midget actor Weng Weng took on the role of superspy. Here, he is more of a pint-sized action hero, and the film is played in a far more straight fashion. The story is more coherent (even if it features a villain who stole his hood from a Grand Kleegel in the KKK and who communicates with the world via self-destructing TV sets), the fight scenes more varied and better staged--Weng Weng actually seems to be doing Kung Fu instead of just cockpunching bad guys--and Weng Weng's stunts are more impressive. And there's the miniature motorbike he zooms around!

Although I say this fillm is played straight that doesn't mean there are fewer laughs in it than the original. The martial arts scenes are a scream, and Weng Weng outsmarting, beating senseless, or simply killing the various gangsters chasing is equal parts amusing and thrilling at times. The way women continue to want to get get it on with Weng Weng is also hilarious, although he seemed committed to one woman in this film and he is therefore seen to run away from an entire whorehouse compliment of hookers who are lusting for him! (And watch for the "special effect" during the film's climax... it should go down as one of the greatest unintentional hilarious moments in cinematic history,

And then there's the soundtrack music. Weng Weng has his own theme song with lyrics that Shaft would envy, and the recurring action theme within the film echoes the" James Bond Theme", the "Pink Panther Theme", and the "Mission: Impossible Theme" with great and hilarious effect. Never has a composer done so much with so little originality as

Except for that whorehouse scene, and a couple of scenes in bars featuring exotic dancers, this would be a film I think little kids would love. As it stands, it's worth look by adults in search of something weird in the acton movie line, and it's definately a top candidate for a Bad Movie Night line-up.

moreless

Uwe Boll's best movie so far?

Given the negative reputation that German director Uwe Boll has among many movie fans, and some jokes that are offered in this film, I was tempted to included it as part of the "Nazis Quit!" mini-blogaton. Ultimately, I chose to just post it like any other review. It is, after all, the very best picture so far from the reputed cinematic weapon of mass-destruction himself. (That said, I am of the opinion that Boll's reputation is inflated by critics and movie-goers who need to watch more films before they start throwing labels like "worst movie ever" and "worst filmmaker ever."



Postal (2008)
Starring: Zack Ward, Dave Foley, Chris Coppola, Jackie Tohn, Larry Thomas and Vern Troyer
Director: Uwe Boll
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

An unemployed factory worker (Ward) teams up with his con-artist uncle (Dave Foley) to steal a shipment of highly collectible dolls and make their fortune selling them. Unfortunately, Osama bin Laden (Larry Thomas) wants to steal the same dolls for far more nefarious purposes.


Any movie that mocks Osama bin Laden and the homicidal idiots who find him an inspiring figure is one that I automatically have a favorable disposition toward. The world needs works of art that disrespects them in every way possible. Mockery of the Lions of Islam were the highlights of "American Dreamz" (2006) and "An American Carol" (2008)--the only good part of the latter film, actually--and it's a definite highlight of this film. (The funniest joke in the whole film involves Taliban terrorists, an SUV, and the celebratory firing of automatic weapons.)

However, Osama and his fellow psychotic murderers are not the only target in this dark farce that is loosely based on a first-person shooter computer game. The trashier side of American culture and consumerism, the more vicious side of American corporate culture, and the capacity of human beings to buy into the most ridiculous notions if they are presented in a cloak of religious authority. (Although, amusingly, it is a couple of the Muslim criminals who are the prime target of ridicule in the film who come to their senses regarding the lies their leaders feed them.)


As much as much as this movie amused me, I also feel it went too far on too many occasions. Too many of the jokes are simple gross-out gags or taken so far that they cross the line from funny into intentionally and heavy-handedly offensive, while writer/director Uwe Boll tries to cram too much into the film. Basically, almost like the was trying to make a film in the classic Abrams/Zucker mold but failed to understand that those comedies had relatively simple storylines jammed with weird puns and sight gags, while Boll jammed his film with plots and subplots until nothing got the proper amount of time.

moreless